Love,

As I was driving to the ferry this week, I felt the Lord put a few things on my heart that I need to share with you. Some of what I’ll be saying in the near future may take a lot of faith. And before I do, I just want to remind you that there’s no reason to be afraid. God has a plan. He is fighting for us, even when we don’t yet understand how it’s all going to come together.

I know you already understand this, but I want to write it here anyway (mostly as a reminder and a comfort to both of us). Prophetic words rarely unfold on our timeline. They’re often given to prepare God’s people, and to give us insight and perspective about what’s ahead. Sometimes there’s an immediate layer to them, and other times they make more sense later on. That’s why it helps to hold them with patience and read them through that lens, trusting God with the timing.

Sharing these kinds of words doesn’t bring me any pleasure, and honestly it’s been emotional for me. There are moments when I have to say things I wouldn’t choose to say on my own. But obedience matters, and I want to remain faithful to what God is asking. He shows no partiality, and I’m called to do the same. I’m trusting that there is purpose and fruit in what is spoken, and holding on to the hope of His greater plan, even when it’s hard.

There’s no need to be stressed or anxious about any of this. God will guide your thoughts and your steps. He’ll give clear direction on how to proceed wisely and how to protect yourself, our family, and His people.

On the ferry, they often put out jigsaw puzzles for people to work on while they pass the time. This time there were a few different holiday puzzles laid out. I noticed how hard it is to step into a puzzle you haven’t been working on yourself. It takes a little time to understand the pieces and get a feel for how everything fits together.

We also spent some time walking around the ferry and ended up chatting briefly with a group of nuns who were having breakfast. They were so kind and sweet. Nearby, there was a giant inflatable snowman that our youngest loved, and right next to it was a pig with wings (like an angel) wearing a Santa hat. It struck me as a little strange for a Christmas display, especially placed right alongside the snowman.

The neighborhood we live in is filled with some of the kindest and most generous people I’ve ever met. A few months ago, a woman nearby gave me two leather loveseats for free, which we’ve been using in the garage. They’re incredibly comfortable, and I’m really looking forward to using them once we move into our own place. Someone else also gave us a nearly brand-new playpen they weren’t using, so now we have two, one of which we keep at my parents’ house in case the boys ever need to nap there.

And just a couple of weeks ago, I stepped outside our front door and found that a woman down the road had dropped off two baby Christmas trees for us. Later, she came back with extra lights and some hot chocolate for the boys. It was so thoughtful and unexpected. We truly love this neighborhood. The sense of community here is real, and it’s been a special reminder of how God provides through community.

While I’m deeply grateful that God has blessed me with the ability to have children (and I hope He may bless me with more in the future) right now I need to focus on securing the boys’ future and working on some other things He has placed on my heart. So for this next season of my life, that simply isn’t a priority.

Last week, our next-door neighbor gave me a beautiful poinsettia along with a large soup pot. I was especially excited about the pot, because I enjoy making soup. But right now I’m actually using it to make recycled paper for one of my new projects (I can explain more about that later). She mentioned that it was a pot they used to cook crab on their boat and that they no longer needed it. It was very kind of her to pass it along to me.

I learned something about poinsettias a few weeks ago that really stuck with me. A poinsettia can be completely healthy and still stay green if it’s in the wrong environment. The red color only appears when the plant experiences a very specific rhythm (long, uninterrupted periods of darkness each night, over several weeks). Without that, nothing is actually wrong with the plant; it just doesn’t change. But once it’s in the right conditions, something that was already inside of it is activated, and it transforms. Same plant, same potential — just a different outcome, shaped entirely by timing and environment.

A couple of nights ago, we heard that someone’s dog had run away and was lost, which was heartbreaking. My mom and I stayed up praying, and my dad took the car to go look for him. It was raining, and he’s an older dog with mobility issues, so the situation was especially sad. Thankfully, someone found him and he was taken to an emergency vet off the island last night. We’re praying he’s doing well.

We’ve had an experience before where a gate was left open and our two male dogs ran off together and got lost, so I know how terrifying that feeling is. I felt such deep sadness for them, knowing how helpless and worried they must have been.

The weather over the past few days has been incredibly windy, with lots of rain, and branches have been falling all over the roads and our driveway. My mom and our youngest spent part of the morning picking up sticks together. My dad gives the boys a dollar each time they fill a bucket with pinecones, sticks, or branches, and also when he and our oldest go to dump the trash on the weekends. Both of them have piggy banks full of money from Grandpa for helping out around the house and doing little chores.

We were actually really blessed to be able to get off the island this week. The ferries have been limited because of the weather, so it wasn’t something we took for granted. We’re especially thankful that my dad is able to fly us if needed. He often helps friends and neighbors that way, and he also serves as a mercy pilot.

Anyway, back to our time on the ferry. At one point we sat down and couldn’t help but overhear an interesting conversation a few older gentlemen were having. They were talking about marriage and relationships, and one of the men said something that really stood out to me. He said that no amount of physical intimacy would ever make him want a relationship if it cost him his peace. I was a little surprised by how openly he said it, especially on a ferry, but I understood exactly what he meant. Peace and serenity matter more than people often realize.

It made me reflect on how the things we’re often uncomfortable talking about are sometimes the very things we need to talk about. And once we do, we realize we’re not as alone in those thoughts as we might have believed. Others feel the same way too.

For women who hold physical intimacy as something sacred, I’ll add this...from a woman’s perspective, emotional safety matters deeply. If there isn’t care, consistency, and effort to create that safety, it’s unrealistic to expect physical intimacy to flow naturally. A woman needs to feel secure in her heart before she can truly open herself, both emotionally and physically.

This is true in childbirth as well, which is one reason many women feel more comfortable giving birth at home. There are times when a woman is laboring beautifully in a familiar, safe environment, and then everything shifts once she enters a space that feels cold, sterile, or unfamiliar. When the sense of safety changes, labor can slow down or stall — not because something is wrong, but because the body responds to its surroundings.

With all of that in mind, this really shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering everything I’ve walked through and how often my kindness has been overlooked. All I’ve ever tried to do is stand with you and fight for the promises God has placed on your life.

Over the past few months, I’ve found myself wondering whether you may have spoken with others about me in ways that influenced the words you’ve shared. I know I could be wrong, and I’m truly sorry if that’s the case. But I want to be honest about where I am. This season has left me feeling really guarded, and my trust has been impacted more than I ever expected. Honesty matters deeply to me, and without it, I’m not able to maintain closeness or continue relationships in a healthy way. I need openness and truth in the people I allow into my life.

Because of what I’ve experienced, indirect communication feels manipulative to me, even if that isn’t the intention.

I need someone who isn’t ashamed to stand with me, and who will defend and support me the same way I would for him.

I’ve tried to be as clear as I can in these letters about what I’m hearing from God, and right now it feels like we may not be on the same page.

At this point, there aren’t any men from my past or present that I truly trust or feel safe with. I’ve also come to accept that you may not be interested, or that you may have chosen a different path. Because of that, I believe God is leading me to move forward and let go.

Are there men who truly value unconditional love? Lately, I’ve started to notice a pattern where the woman who consistently shows up with care, patience, and support is the one who ends up being overlooked or placed last. It makes me wonder if some men assume that kind of love will always be there, no matter how they treat it, and feel free to set it aside while they search for something they think might be “better.”

I’m asking this not just for myself, but for all my sisters in Christ whose kindness and faithfulness are so often taken for granted in today’s culture.

It’s become clear to me that I’ve developed a deep distrust of men, and I want to be honest about that. Anyone who desires to be close to me needs to understand that earning my trust will take time and consistency. My capacity for unconditional love hasn’t disappeared, but it will only be offered to someone who truly shows up, who is present, faithful, and willing to stand with me. I can no longer give that kind of love to someone who treats commitment as optional or keeps one foot out the door.

If you are Love, you will know what to do. And if you’re not in a place to do that, then please understand that any letters moving forward are not meant for you.

For this next season, I won’t be initiating communication with men, and I won’t be responding to messages either.

I’ve been reflecting on the tension I see between the idea of trusting God’s leading and the way His provision is sometimes received. You’ve shared that you value the idea of an arranged marriage, yet there seems to be a pattern of rejecting the women God may be placing in your path because they don’t align with certain personal expectations. I can’t help but wonder how many others may have been dismissed along the way.

What troubles me most isn’t rejection itself, but the lack of care in how it has been handled, especially toward those who were simply trying to be faithful to what they believed God was asking of them. I can feel God’s anger as I write this. Scripture is clear that how we treat others matters deeply to God, and I believe this is an area that deserves honest reflection and change, for everyone’s sake.

It’s important to be mindful of what we ask of God, because He hears every detail and weighs the intentions of our hearts. Words spoken out of pride, misunderstanding, or unresolved emotion can have unintended consequences, even for ourselves. As Proverbs 26:2 states, “Like a flitting sparrow, like a flying swallow, So a curse without cause shall not alight.”

God protects those who walk blamelessly before Him. That’s why using Scripture to harm, accuse, or confuse others is something we should be very careful about. His Word is meant to bring light, truth, and repentance. It should never be used to bring division. I believe it’s wise for all of us to slow down, weigh our words prayerfully, and seek the Lord with humility, asking Him to search our hearts so we can remain blameless before Him.

If there had been honesty from the beginning, I believe we could have reached understanding by now and moved forward in peace. But when truth is withheld, it has a way of eventually coming to light.

As those who carry prophetic voices, we have to be especially careful not to use words in ways that confuse, influence, or entangle others for personal desire or unmet needs. Our words carry weight, and they shape people’s lives. It’s worth honestly examining how our words and actions may be affecting those around us.

How many women may be left in a place of spiritual or emotional limbo because of the way you engage with them? Is it possible that your actions are unintentionally keeping women from moving forward into the relationships God has prepared for them? And even more concerning, this could include women who are already married. This may not have been your intention, but it’s important to be aware that this is taking place.

The name Aaron (or possibly Erin) has been highlighted to me over the past few days. Would you please pray about this? The only association I can place it with right now is Erin Bergstein (or something similar), who was Craig’s “assistant”, though it was really just him. It also brought to mind Zara Battenberg and Kaitie.

I’ve had a few dreams that I later realized were prophetic, but it’s not the primary way God speaks to me. I don’t really consider myself a seer or a dreamer, at least not at this point. When it comes to dreams, I tend to be cautious and don’t rely on them unless I receive confirmation elsewhere.

When we’re asleep, we’re in a very vulnerable state, and I think that can make dreams harder to discern. Unlike a vision, it’s often difficult to tell what’s truly from God and what might simply be our own imagination. I’ve had plenty of dreams that were clearly not from Him, so I usually don’t put much weight on them. That said, I do know God can and does speak clearly through dreams. I’m just not fully confident in that area yet, but maybe it’s something He’ll grow in me over time.

I’ve also been learning over the past few months that sometimes God allows us to sit with certain possibilities or scenarios. It’s not always because they’re meant to happen exactly as we imagine, but because they can be tests of our heart. He’s often more interested in how we respond, and whether we can be trusted with the plans He’s preparing for us in the future.

Even if you felt in your heart that they weren’t meant to be your wife, they still could have been moments God was using to test how you would treat someone placed in your life. In those situations, responding with respect and kindness is still important. And just because you didn’t see them as your wife at the time doesn’t mean they couldn’t have become important later on, whether as a future spouse or simply someone God intended to be part of your story. How we handle people matters, even when the outcome isn’t clear.

I am seeking God daily and doing my best to remain attentive to Him in every moment. I trust that whatever is spoken through me is something He is allowing and using for His purposes. But I do feel the need to be clear about this, and I ask that it be taken seriously. Going forward, there will be consequences for any individuals who use my voice, my words, or my identity as their own in any way without God’s approval.

Over the past few days, I’ve noticed I’ve been mixing up the boys’ names, which is interesting to me because I’ve never really done that before.

I understand that my writing may not make me very popular right now. I’m sharing what I’m sharing out of obedience to God, not for approval.

I’ve also been reflecting on how important it is for all of us to take responsibility for our own choices and actions. Growth requires maturity, honesty, and a willingness to look inward rather than deflect blame onto others. While our culture often excuses prolonged immaturity, real transformation comes when we choose accountability and personal responsibility.

I believe we’re all better served by focusing on becoming healthier, wiser versions of ourselves instead of engaging in gossip or speculation about others. Gossip often leads us to speak on things we don’t fully understand, and it rarely produces truth, clarity, or peace.

Yesterday, I began working on a plan to wrap up these letters and bring everything together. I’m hoping to complete that by the end of the year, or shortly after. My heart is really set on entering the new year with space to step into the new things God has been placing on my heart.

I may still write a letter from time to time, but it will no longer be my main focus. This next season feels like an invitation to turn my attention more fully toward my family, to spend deeper, more intimate time with God, and to grow intentionally in a few specific areas He’s been highlighting for me.

Remember, everything will work out in the end. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it simply isn’t the end. There’s just more work to be done along the way.

Sometimes what we’re looking for is already right in front of us, we just need to slow down, dig a little deeper, or look at things with fresh eyes.

And just so you know, I may seem like a damsel at times, but with the joy of the Lord I’m never in distress. There’s truly no need to worry about me.

No matter what we’ve been through, we all have a choice in whether we stay in a victim mindset or move forward from it. And choosing not to live with a victim mentality doesn’t mean we weren’t hurt, or that we weren’t victims at some point. It just means we’ve done the work to heal.

When you stay grounded in who you are in Christ and allow Him to restore what’s been wounded, you start to recognize the strength He’s placed within you. From that place, you don’t feel powerless anymore. You feel resilient and confident in a way that changes how you move through the world.

I recently learned something fascinating about caterpillars. Inside a caterpillar are these “butterfly cells” from the very beginning. When metamorphosis starts, the caterpillar’s body begins to break down, and at first its own system even attacks those butterfly cells like they don’t belong. But they survive, multiply, and eventually take over, using what used to be the caterpillar to build the butterfly. So there’s this moment where the old identity resists the new one, but the transformation only happens when the old structure gives way to what was always meant to emerge.

Our God is a God of fire, judgment, and justice, but He is also a God of peace, healing, and hope. I will never stop fighting for your breakthrough. And praying God blesses you in this next season — physically, emotionally, relationally, financially, and in every area of your life.

Last summer, I found myself thinking a lot about how Scripture describes Satan standing before God as an accuser, trying to keep God’s children bound by shame, fear, or false judgments. And that led me to a deeper question: who is standing before God holding people who operate as children of Satan accountable for their sins? And in that moment, I felt God calling me to volunteer.

I encourage everyone to take time to examine their hearts before God and to turn back to Him where needed. Any correction or judgment belongs to God alone. My role is simply to speak faithfully and leave the outcome in God’s hands.

I’m also seeking a small group of men who feel called to stand with me in this mission. If you know any that might be qualified and approved by God, please share this message with them.

And please understand that I won’t be communicating directly with any men. I’m asking that no one attempt to contact me. We need to do this in the Spirit. I’ll continue to share any instruction or revelation God gives me, but at this time I’m trusting the boys to step forward and take the lead.

Also, I found these videos helpful: Have you ever wondered why Satan didn’t go after Adam first? How witchcraft gets into churches. Why do we turn to God at our lowest? Why Nazi guards refused to enter cellblock 28. Single men, it’s time to grow up. Your kids shouldn’t hold your marriage together. This isn’t failure. It’s FATHERHOOD. My wife made me face myself. The Holy Spirit Showed Me THIS about Erika Kirk’s JD Vance Announcement.

Stand firm in truth, walk in love, and let God do the rest.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. The boys picked out the cutest Minnie Mouse card for me for my birthday. A few days ago, my sister set up Disney accounts for our whole family, and the avatar she chose for me was Minnie Mouse as well. She told me she put a lot of thought into choosing everyone’s avatars, which I found really sweet and interesting. So I watched this video on the evolution of Minnie Mouse, and it struck me how even our most beloved characters change over time. Just like people, they grow and transform from season to season, while still holding onto the heart of who they are.

Love,

Last Sunday, my mom and I went to a concert while my dad stayed home with the boys. The first part of the program was Midnight Mass for Christmas by Marc-Antoine Charpentier. The choral society sang beautifully, and there were dancers whose movements were so thoughtfully choreographed that they really brought the music to life. The second half was made up of more familiar songs and Christmas carols, which was really fun to listen to. Everything about it was beautifully done, and I’m grateful I was able to attend.

On the way to the concert, my mom and I were chatting about a few things and somehow ended up talking about the appetizers we’re planning to make on Christmas Eve. She mentioned she’s going to make mermaids on horseback, which immediately caught my attention because it’s such an interesting name. It turns out it’s just shrimp wrapped in bacon with a sauce.

She then told me there’s a similar dish called angels on horseback, which uses oysters instead of shrimp. That made me curious, so I Googled it and discovered there’s also devils on horseback, which are dates wrapped in bacon.

On the way home from church today, my mom mentioned she has scallops and might try a version with those too. I looked that up as well, and apparently those are called apostles on horseback. We don’t have oysters, but we are planning to make mermaids, devils, and apostles on horseback. I honestly have no idea how people come up with these names, but they definitely made me laugh.

During the concert, as I was watching the dancers, those appetizers popped into my mind and I started reflecting on them. It’s interesting how on the outside, they all look (and probably even taste and smell) pretty much the same at first. It’s only once you try them and get to the center that you realize whether you’re eating an angel, a mermaid, or a devil version. There’s something kind of interesting about that.

I found myself thinking about how Scripture says the enemy can appear as an angel of light, and how deception often works by first earning trust through what looks good on the surface. Then I started wondering about that idea in reverse too, and how wisdom sometimes means being aware of appearances, timing, and discernment.

Maybe there are moments when appearing like a mermaid can open doors or create space for good. Not as deception, but as strategy. Just something to sit with and think about, both now and as we look ahead.

A, I’m not quite sure what your role is in all of this, but you’ve been highlighted to me for some reason, and after seeing some of the recent things you’ve posted, I felt led to share a few thoughts.

I don’t know who the song you wrote is about, and honestly, that part isn’t important to me. It made me reflect on the way we treat the people who care about us. Whoever he is, what stood out to me was a lack of respect in the way he was spoken about, and I hope that’s something you’ll reflect on — for him and for the other men in your life, some of whom I know. I don’t think any of us would feel good being called trash or being spoken about in a dismissive or demeaning way.

I may be mistaken, but it feels like the genes God has blessed you with draw men in, and then emotions become complicated and are navigated in ways that end up leaving others wounded. We shouldn’t worry about being beautiful by the standards set by magazines like People, but by the condition of our hearts, which is revealed in how we treat others. That’s what ultimately lasts, and that’s what truly matters.

Even though my ex hurt me deeply and made choices that mean he can’t be part of my life right now, I still see him as a brilliant and capable man with so much potential. There are areas he needs to grow in, especially in how he handles anger and treats others, and I continue to pray and hope for his healing.

And if he is reading this, I want him to know that I forgive him and that I’m grateful for the place he had in my life. I treasure the memories we made together. While there were things I went through that no one should have to endure, I learned and grew through it all, and I trust that God is using it for His glory.

Our pain from past relationships should never be minimized, but I pray we can all come to a place of healing where we choose to promote positivity and love.

Going forward, I hope we’re all mindful of how we treat one another. If I see men being spoken to or treated disrespectfully, I’ll do my best to advocate for kindness and respect, and I pray we can all strive to be better role models in how we love others.

It’s disheartening to see disrespect toward men go unchallenged, especially when it’s supported or overlooked by others. How someone speaks about and treats past relationships often says a lot about how future ones may unfold. I hope we can encourage men to stand up for one another and stop enabling behavior that undermines respect and dignity.

It’s difficult to imagine anyone wanting to build a family with someone who models persistent disrespect, especially knowing how those attitudes can be passed on to future generations. The way we treat others has real consequences (not just personally, but socially) and it’s something we should take seriously.

I’ve been reflecting on the difference between a strong woman of God who fears the Lord from many of the patterns we see today.

A woman of God has standards for herself and for the men in her life, but they’re rooted in love, not control. When she speaks up or offers correction, it’s because she wants to see him grow and become the best version of himself. It’s not to tear him down or serve her own interests. Even when it feels like tough love, it’s still coming from a place of care, humility, and wanting what’s truly best for him.

She isn’t manipulative or self-serving. She doesn’t take advantage of a man’s emotions or vulnerable moments to build herself up. Instead, she uses the gifts God has given her to support the man in her life, not to compete with him or position herself above him.

She knows how to have honest conversations and encourage growth, while also being sensitive to moments when compassion and support are what’s most needed.

She chooses to believe in the good in men, even before it’s fully visible, trusting how God designed them with strength and a desire to protect. She recognizes God’s design for men and women to complement one another, and she values walking alongside a man in a way that supports and strengthens him.

She brings a sense of safety, security, and peace — not conflict, drama, or unnecessary stress.

She wins a man’s heart through her words and the way she speaks, not by relying on outward appearance or status.

She fears God more than she fears losing a man.

She’s grounded enough not to be swayed by every opinion, while still staying open to wisdom and correction from God and trusted people.

Setting boundaries or blocking people is never easy for her, even when it might look that way from the outside. It breaks her heart. The only reason she would choose that path is out of obedience to God, and she follows His leading even when she doesn’t fully understand it or wishes it could be different.

Because she knows it’s better for her, her husband, and their family if the favor of God remains with her, even if that means a season of separation.

She holds tightly to God’s promises while trusting Him with the process and the journey. She knows her understanding is limited, and she doesn’t want to get in the way of the work God is doing to put everything in its proper place.

She knows she isn’t perfect, and when she falls short, she does her best to take responsibility and make things right. And she regularly invites God to search and realign her heart.

There’s still so much I’m learning, but that’s the woman I desire to become. And I pray God would give me wisdom to truly understand what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Each day, I wake up and seek God for guidance on what to do and what to build. I don’t feel the need to look elsewhere for inspiration, because I trust that the Creator of the universe is guiding my thoughts and actions.

I’m thankful if what I share helps others or resonates in a way they want to apply to their own lives. My only hope is that it’s done with sincerity, not mockery. And if someone chooses to imitate me, I’d hope it would be in the fullness of my character, and not just the parts that feel convenient.

Our pastor mentioned this at church today, and it really encouraged me. Jesus wasn’t born just to make us feel better. He was born to deliver us, set us free from the forces that control us, and give us new life.

God put it on my heart to encourage you and to remind you that in this season of deliverance and restoration, those who wait will be rewarded. I know waiting is never easy to hear, especially when you’ve already been through so much. But I truly believe God is preparing something very special for you, something that will far exceed what you can see or imagine right now.

Don’t lose hope. Keep trusting Him. I don’t have all the details, but I do know there is purpose in the waiting. We’re simply in the middle of the greatest love story, and God is still writing it.

The song Oceans has also been speaking to me the past week, and I felt led to share it with you.

Watching the lights go up this Christmas season has made me think about my own journey, and how God has a way of shining hope into places we once thought would never brighten.

I’ll continue to write as the Lord leads. And until next time, I pray His peace surrounds you wherever you go.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. And one last thing, the other night while I was putting the boys to sleep, my mind was racing with the things I’ve been going through. And honestly, I don’t understand why simply trying to be kind, supportive, and genuine triggers such strong reactions in people. For some reason, it really does feel like people have a big problem with basic kindness. It’s confusing. Instead of asking questions or trying to understand where someone is coming from, people jump to assumptions. And they twist your words into something completely different from what you meant. It makes me wonder...have we lost the ability to be empathetic? Is it insecurity? Jealousy? Or just the culture we live in, where people are so focused on appearances and “success” that they forget how to treat others like actual human beings with real feelings? And then there’s the competitiveness. You’re just trying to do your own thing, minding your own business, and suddenly it feels like you’re thrown into a competition you never signed up for. All I want is honesty and clear communication, so I try to offer the same to others. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. Because if someone can’t be upfront with you, how can there be any trust at all? Sometimes I think people truly don’t understand what love means. Not just romantic love, but the simple love of caring for another person (even just loving a friend or neighbor or another human being that happens to cross your path in life). People can be surprisingly mean. Anyway, there’s more I could say, but I’ll stop here...before this P.S. becomes longer than the actual letter.

Love,

The other day while I was doing laundry at my parents’ place, my mom and I wandered into one of those unexpected conversations. We were talking about the neighbors, and somehow their nephew came up. She mentioned that he used to be a bus driver for the Newsboys at one point, which I thought was kind of interesting. And then she shared that when they started sorting out their will, he began visiting their house a lot more often.

I just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m feeling really good and don’t have any known health concerns. One thing I asked for this Christmas was a little help with getting my blood work done, simply so I can take a closer, proactive look at my health and make any changes needed long-term. But right now, I genuinely feel great and am doing well.

And just so there’s no confusion or concern, I’m not dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, or any mental health struggles. In fact, I’m the most peaceful and content I’ve ever been. Being in God’s presence has brought a joy and stability I can’t really put into words.

But God forbid anything were to ever happen to me, I want it to be known that I have asked my biological sister to take responsibility for the boys. I would not trust anyone else.

No weapon formed against my family will prosper. We are chosen for such a time as this. And moving forward, we will stand together and fight to make sure every single member stays connected, protected, and is not lost or deceived by the enemy (no matter what happens to me).

Not long after we moved to Alaska, Grace and I had a conversation about the possibility that she might one day end up back with Craig. The main reason she felt that was because she had exchanged vows with him and truly believed he was her husband. I remember telling her that it would be unwise to go back unless he had truly changed. And that it would take a miracle and probably something equivalent to time in prison to humble his stubborn and prideful heart. I’ve always hoped she really took that seriously.

The story of Lot’s wife came to mind the other day, and it was a good reminder to be careful not to look back. It’s important to follow God’s instructions and wait on His timing.

To be fully honest, so far there are a few people God has placed on my heart as possible candidates for my future husband. At the same time, I’m committed to not looking back or engaging in anything prematurely or in a way that would go against His guidance. I truly believe His timing matters, and moving ahead of Him only puts us at risk and opens the possibility of birthing an Ishmael.

The Lord has also been highlighting an incident from the past when Grace and a mutual guy friend went behind her sister’s back to stage a prank that made it appear her sister’s dog was lost. I don’t fully understand how something like that could feel funny, knowing how frightening that would be. And I truly hope she turns away from that kind of behavior.

There were a few times when jealousy seemed to be present around Grace, and at first it felt close enough to my own emotions that I assumed it was mine. So I took it to God and repented, asking Him to show me anything in my own heart that needed to change. But immediately after doing so, God gave me clarity that the jealousy I was sensing wasn’t rooted in me. I’m still learning how to discern what I’m feeling, what’s mine, and how God speaks to me through my emotions.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve learned it can really cloud people’s judgment and cause people to act in ways that don’t reflect who they truly are. One example that comes to mind is when a car key was hidden to prevent me from borrowing a friend’s car. It was confusing and hurtful at the time.

I’ve extended a lot of grace to people, and I’ll continue to do so. But if my character is being misrepresented in the dark, I will speak the truth in the light. And my prayer is that it ultimately leads us to healing and reconciliation.

I was hoping my birthday message to her a few weeks ago might help open the door to mending our relationship, but I completely understand if she needs more time.

The Bible encourages us to desire spiritual gifts, and when I was getting to know Grace, she mentioned that she had some. That was all very new to me at the time, and I’ll admit it stirred a bit of jealousy in my own heart because I wanted those gifts too.

But when we were all together, I hardly had time to think about any of that with so much on my shoulders. And there were moments when I felt a bit envious that Grace had the freedom to spend her days praying, writing, drawing, exercising, resting, and just being with the dogs, while my days felt nonstop and full of responsibility.

When Craig and I argued and I found myself sent to the garage or the basement, it was frustrating at first. It felt like I was being treated like a child. But once I was there, I felt a lot more peace being separated from him. And it gave me space to mentally rest and breathe, even if it was just for a short while.

I know that Grace’s living conditions were really difficult, and she should never have had to experience that. I hate that she went through it, and I carry a lot of regret about it. At the time, I honestly didn’t know what else to do. Craig didn’t want her living with him, and because Grace never made it seem like she was unhappy where she was, I thought it was best to protect her peace and keep her away from the daily verbal and physical abuse she would’ve been exposed to if she’d been around him.

If she had ever asked for help, even once, or made it clear she couldn’t live that way, I would have figured out a better solution so she didn’t have to endure it. I asked her often if she was okay or if she needed anything, and she always said she was fine. That honestly shocked me, because I couldn’t understand how she had the strength to do it. I know I wouldn’t have.

I just want to share that I felt God leading me not to initiate help, because this was a season for you to learn how to stand up for yourself. I truly hope you’re able to do that now. I’m writing this for Grace, but also for others.

After my run yesterday, my mom and I started planning our family Christmas reunion, especially the menu. We’re going to be making lots of delicious food, which should be so fun. At our last holiday gathering, I cooked Indian food for everyone and they all loved it, so my sister asked me to make it again this year. I’m really excited about that.

I’m also planning to make my vegan broccoli cheddar soup. I haven’t made it in a long time, so I’m really looking forward to it. I actually do enjoy cooking when I have the time, and it’ll be nice to have family around to entertain the kids so I can really focus on it.

Recently I was reflecting on a time when I started having intrusive thoughts of suicide while I was around a friend, and how those thoughts disappeared once I left. It really opened my eyes to how vulnerable the mind can be to outside influences when we’re not discerning, and how that vulnerability can shape our behavior and choices.

About a month ago, I was at the store and suddenly had a strong craving for Wasa crispbread crackers. It was a bit strange because I’ve never bought them for myself before, but I decided to go ahead and get some. When we got home I ate some with peanut butter, and as I was eating, it hit me that this was exactly something Grace used to love. She was the one who introduced me to those crackers, and she always loved peanut butter. My mind went down a brief trail of overthinking potential scenarios why God was highlighting Grace to me in that moment. One random question popped into my head about whether someone was trying to make it seem like I was her. I didn’t have any real evidence for that though. It was just one of those quick, passing thoughts.

There were other times I would have thoughts and do mannerisms that reminded me of Craig. That got me thinking too...why is God highlighting both Grace and Craig to me? And why am I randomly acting like both of them?

Recently, I’ve noticed I’ve felt a little more drawn to alcohol, which is very out of character for me since I typically don’t drink at all. By that I just mean I had one glass of wine at Thanksgiving and a White Claw the other night while I was writing. Still, it stood out to me because it’s not my usual pattern, and I’m not entirely sure why it’s being brought to my attention right now. Craig and I rarely drank together. I could count the times on one hand. Although he would sometimes drink a bit during the holidays and then stop once the new year came.

With Thanksgiving and all the birthdays over the past few weeks, I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. I definitely have a sweet tooth, so it’s one of those things I usually try to avoid because it’s hard for me to stop once I start. I’m trying to take a little break from it now until closer to Christmas.

Another thing that stood out to me and CJ the other day was Starbucks coffee, specifically the ones you can buy at the store, but also the brand in general.

Woodstock was also highlighted to me around the same time. I think in reference to the music festival.

Also, a No Smoking sign from a picture I took on the ferry last month, and I just want to emphasize the importance of not smoking in any form.

Regarding the above, it’s important to consider this not only from a personal perspective, but also in how it may be affecting the Bride as a whole.

My approach has been to stay observant by paying attention to my environment, what people are saying, my own thoughts, my own emotions, and anything that feels out of character for me. I take all of that in, and then I prayerfully think through what it might mean as I try to discern God’s direction.

A few days ago on the drive to school pickup, I found myself thinking about soul ties. I’ve prayed several times this past year asking God to cleanse me from any unhealthy or ungodly connections, and the more I reflect on it, the more I feel led to keep that as a simple nightly prayer. I think soul connections are more subtle (and more easily formed) than we sometimes realize.

We also don’t always know who someone else is connected to. We might be close to someone who genuinely wants the best for us, and yet they could knowingly or unknowingly be carrying connections that influence things in ways we don’t see.

Sometimes I wonder how much influence people can really have on each other through videos, posts, and content online. I don’t think we fully realize how much access we give people to our thoughts and emotions through the internet, and how that exposure can shape the way we think and behave over time. It feels especially important to be mindful of this in today’s culture with the increase in witchcraft. I don’t understand everything about how all of that works, but I do know how important it is to take our thoughts captive and continually bring them back to God.

As I was falling asleep last night, I found myself thinking about how the only connection we really need to focus on is our connection with Jesus. He knows exactly who to bring into our lives and when. When we keep our minds anchored in Him, He becomes the filter for everything else.

And if there is a soul connection meant to be in our lives, God will ensure it remains. So we don’t need to worry, because if someone is truly meant to be in our lives God will make sure their soul comes back to us.

I think we should pray for each other regarding this as well. Because there may be times when it’s hard for one of us to do that.

I was singing in the spirit a few days ago, and I found myself thinking about the rebound friend. You know, the guy someone might lean on after a breakup. It made me reflect on how complicated those situations really are. And it made me wonder why some men stay in that role instead of pursuing commitment in their own relationships. I found myself curious about what need that really fills for them.

And then there’s the whole layer of emotional and spiritual attachment that comes with intimacy. When people get close emotionally or physically, bonds naturally form, and it can get especially messy when there’s already an ex involved.

I especially kept thinking about how important it is to move with extra care when kids are involved, because they’re already trying to process loss and change. Stability and honesty matter so much in those moments.

This video clip has also been highlighted to me the past week.

During my time with God yesterday, I was reflecting on the fire of God. In the Old Testament, we often see His fire associated with judgment against the enemies of His people. But under the new covenant, His fire is at work within His people to refine, purify, and protect us. There is so much darkness in the world that without God’s presence and covering, it is easy to be overwhelmed. Even when His refining work feels uncomfortable, it is still a sign of His love. And as we grow in Him, we learn how to abide in His presence with greater peace and maturity.

The past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about different aspects of my process, and I can tell it still needs refining, but these are some initial thoughts.

I feel it’s important to end the day by asking God to cleanse my heart and release any unhealthy connections I may be carrying. And then when I wake up, take a moment to bring my thoughts and dreams before God and ask Him to renew my heart and mind for the day.

For the first few hours of the morning, I plan to avoid checking my phone or social media so I can stay fully present with God and more easily tune into my own thoughts and His voice. So when I start interacting with the world later, I’ve already built a strong foundation with God, which will help give me greater discernment as I navigate things that come up throughout the day.

Another thought I had for the future is creating a space that’s set apart just for prayer and being with God, maybe a small shed or part of the garage. And before any interaction in that space, I’d want to begin with prayer and spiritual cleansing. That way everything stays centered on God’s presence and peace during the interaction.

I know this might sound a bit intense, and it’s not coming from fear of the outside world. I do value community and connection. I just deeply care about protecting my connection with God, and there may come a season when having a space that’s fully set apart for Him will feel especially needed.

I honestly don’t care much about gifts themselves. What matters most to me is being close to God and spending as much time with Him as I can. Any gift that comes is simply a result of that closeness. And I’ve learned that with spiritual gifts often comes greater responsibility and spiritual resistance, so it’s something to approach with humility and wisdom. God led me to 1 Corinthians 12, and it reminded me that what matters most isn’t the gifts themselves, but staying connected to Him and to one another in love.

The boys got into a fight today, and our youngest grabbed his head and started pulling at his hair. It brought back memories from when I was living with Craig, because there were moments back then when the stress felt so overwhelming it made me feel like I was losing my mind. A couple of times, I remember dragging my nails down my face in frustration, and it would leave marks that stayed for weeks.

There were also a few times when I would try to fall asleep and suddenly feel overwhelmed with fear. I couldn’t even keep my eyes closed. I’d have to open them and pray before trying again.

I know it might seem like I have an iron heart right now, but I’m starting to feel I need to keep my heart in full lockdown mode while I’m still learning to fly. I hope one day we can kiss the sky together. And thank you in advance, truly, for understanding and for helping save me from the fate of Ophelia.

I’m trusting God with the timing of everything and believing He will bring the right person into my life when the moment is right. I’m sorry, Love. This is the path God is leading me on. Thank you for setting me free and helping me learn how to fly.

And when you’re feeling lost, just keep looking for the moon. I’ll always be praying for you and with you in spirit.

This also stood out to me a few months ago. I got quite emotional, and God wanted me to share it with you. I don’t know exactly what it means, and only God knows what the future holds. And He’s been reminding me that sometimes what seems tragic is actually a blessing in disguise. But I also want to tell you in advance how much I appreciate all your love and support, and thank you for being so strong. You are my hero.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I came across this today, which is just another example of the blasphemy in our culture. We don’t need Kimmandments. We simply need to love God and love others as we would love ourselves.

Love,

As I was working on the advent puzzle this morning, our youngest started flipping through a book called Start Where You Are, a gift from my sister-in-law last Christmas. It’s a journal for self-exploration, and I’ve really enjoyed reflecting on some of the prompts. The whole book is full of beautiful illustrations and inspiring quotes.

It’s not totally biblically aligned, but there are still pieces of it that have encouraged me and given me something to reflect on. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Discernment is so important. We’re called to live in the world, not hide from it, and I think one of the greatest things we can teach ourselves (and more importantly, our children) is how to discern well and hear the Holy Spirit. It’s impossible to avoid every secular thing, but we can learn to navigate it with wisdom.

Anyway, he got to the final page with the author’s other books and wanted to read My Friend Fear. It looks pretty interesting (for a few different reasons), so I watched a video from the author here.

While I was getting some work done this afternoon, I listened to this video on the spirit of fear. I found it really insightful and encouraging, especially during Christmastime.

Yesterday I ordered the supplies for a new project I’m really excited about and hope to finish by Christmas. It’s a surprise for now, but I’ll share it with you as soon as it’s ready!

These past few days I’ve made some really good progress on my Bible app. And I’m looking forward to getting a little help from my brother when he’s here for the holidays, since he has a lot more experience with app development than I do.

I’ve got about four letters I’ve started for you and still need to finish, so...I’m going to go work on those now.

Sending my love your way, wherever you are!

With love, Jeanie

Love,

Hope you are having a great start to your day! There were a few things I meant to share with you last night, but they slipped my mind.

My mom gave me an advent puzzle, and it might be one of my favorite gifts ever. Each day you open one of the twenty-four little boxes and work on that section of the puzzle until it all comes together by Christmas. It’s so me, and I absolutely love it!

It got me thinking…are there other puzzles like this that aren’t advent related? I love how it keeps you focused and motivated, one small section at a time.

It’s also one of those puzzles where you think two pieces fit perfectly, and then later you realize something isn’t lining up and one of the connections was off.

We started reading an advent book too, and the boys have really been enjoying it.

I just wanted to remind you that things may not happen according to the timeline from our perspective. Not everyone may be who they seem. It may be helpful to consider new players. And I found Ecclesiastes 11 encouraging.

Also, this morning I was reminded that it’s important to get enough B12. Oh my gosh…writing that instantly made me think of the game Battleship lol! Did you ever play it? I loved that game as a kid. Anyway, I picked up some spirulina and chlorella tablets a couple weeks ago to help boost my vitamins and minerals. Stardust too.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I’m sorry I’m so slow sometimes. It’s hard for me to find the time to write down everything in my head. I’m working on my process. More to come!

Love,

My mom gave me some cute new pajamas, so I’m all comfy cozy and trying to finish up a little work before bed. I’ve got this headband on that the boys keep insisting makes me look like a princess lol, and I’m drinking some peach sparkling water that tastes quite refreshing.

I’m out in the garage right now, enjoying my little setup. I hung a string of warm white Christmas lights out here (you know me and my lighting...), and it actually feels really peaceful. You’ve been on my mind of course, and over the past few days I’ve been thinking about all the things I want to share with you.

The other day I listened to this interview, and I found it really insightful. Not just for physical weight loss, but for the emotional and spiritual weight we carry too (our beliefs, our habits, our identity). One thing that came to mind while I was watching was the poverty mindset, and how it can shape the way we see ourselves, our options, and even what we think we deserve. I also thought this clip tied in with the same themes they were talking about.

Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about whether guys and girls can truly be just friends. I thought this perspective was wise for both men and women. For me personally, I don’t feel comfortable being close friends with men (other than in the future those who are friends with my husband). That’s why I’ve been avoiding communication with men altogether. I just don’t want anyone else to take a place in my life that belongs to my husband, even if we’re separated. I really believe men deserve that kind of respect.

The wreath-making event the other day was really fun! I loved learning how to put everything together, and the wreaths turned out so beautifully. I also enjoyed visiting with one of my mom’s good friends. She used to be their neighbor and recently moved back to the area. She and her husband flip homes, and she was telling me about how they move almost every year. They sell the house with all the furniture still in it, and only take what they can fit in their car. I was smiling while she was talking because it brought back so many memories — moving every few months, living out of hotels, packing the car with all our stuff and the dogs, and eventually the kids too...

I’ve actually been reflecting on all of that lately, because I realized we’ve still been moving every few months this past year. Now that we’ve already been here almost four months, I can feel myself getting a little antsy to move again. I guess some things from the past really stick with you.

But we really do like it here, and I only want to move if God makes it clear that we need to. For now, I’m thinking it makes sense to stay at least until the school year is finished, and then see where God leads — whether that’s staying or going somewhere new.

My mom’s friend was also telling me about a book she just finished writing. It’s based on that quote from Flavia Weedn: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

She interviewed more than thirty people for the book, asking about relationships, connection, and what makes certain people stand out in our lives. She shared a bit of what she learned, and it really does sound fascinating. One person explained their relationships in terms of a theatre — some people are on stage with us, some are in the front row, some sit up in the balcony, and some shift around from one season to another. I thought that was such a creative way to think about it.

Many of the people who live here are a bit older, and the topic of hip replacements has come up a few times. It reminded me of this video clip I saw a few months ago, and it really brought me back to how important it is to make my health a priority. With the kids, I don’t get much time to myself during the day, and it’s so easy to fill those little pockets with writing, reading, praying, cleaning, or catching up on all the small tasks. But this week, I’ve been trying to make exercise more of a priority.

These past few days, when our youngest goes down for his nap, I’ve been slipping out for a run around the neighborhood loop before I let myself do anything else. It’s only a few miles, but it’s hilly enough to feel like a real workout. I’m honestly a little embarrassed to say how out of shape I am. The first couple runs were rough, but it’s already starting to get easier. It kind of reminds me of running the Dish at Stanford, which I always loved.

Cardio is good, but I also want to focus on strength training because I know how important it is to build muscle. So I’m planning to add in some weight lifting too. I also really want to get a punching bag and start boxing. I was researching different options the other night. I think it could be really therapeutic for me, and also a great workout.

Something happened yesterday that reminded me how many copycats are out there. It’s frustrating, but there’s not much you can do about it. I guess it just means we have to be extra discerning.

Yesterday was one of those days where being a mom took a lot out of me. I hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself too. Getting good sleep, drinking water, eating enough...all the little things that really matter.

My sister got our youngest a fun wooden set of musical instruments, and the boys have been singing and dancing to Joy to the World while they play. It’s so cute to watch.

If what I think has been going on is actually happening, I need to be honest and let you know that I’m really disappointed. I truly believed you had the character to know better. It makes me want to keep my distance. And if you’re not fully honest with me, it will only push me farther away.

I realize I might sound paranoid, and I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but I honestly don’t know what to believe right now. I can’t tell whether the changes I’m discerning are real or something meant to manipulate me. Praying that time will reveal the truth.

You know I’ll always forgive you. But at the same time, I am hurt and really confused about what’s been happening. I feel used, and I’m still processing the rejection. And right now, God is asking me to focus on a few things before we can even consider the possibility of being together.

I don’t really know what the future looks like for us anymore. I’m asking God for clarity and trying to trust Him as much as I can in the process. I’m honestly confused about who I’m even writing to and who these words are meant for, but I’m doing my best to stay encouraged and remain obedient.

I’m starting to get used to the silence and the isolation, but it still feels like I’m flying blind. And I’m doing my best to trust God with the uncertainty.

God hasn’t shown me clearly who my husband is. You’ll always hold a place in my heart, but while we’re separated, I have to make decisions with that in mind and follow what God is revealing. I’ve given Him full control of my heart. And to be completely honest, I’ve been struggling with that, because sometimes it feels like He isn’t giving me the clarity I’m asking for. It’s been a really painful process.

It is kind of interesting that I ended up being the one who was never legally married and never actually exchanged wedding vows. We talked about getting married at Lake Tahoe, but things kept getting in the way. And now it feels like God had a purpose for that all along.

If we had ever actually exchanged vows, things would be different right now. But calling someone your wife without the covenant and without the responsibility of protecting and providing puts the relationship at risk. I never wanted it to be this way. I’m just trying to be obedient to what God is asking me to do and say.

I understand the hesitation around legal marriage, especially with how the current system can put men at a disadvantage in some ways. But God’s been showing me a few possible solutions. I’ll share them with you in my next letter.

I’m doing my best to keep the future in mind and the possibility that we might still end up together. But I also want to apologize in advance if anything I do causes you pain. I’m genuinely trying to make the choices that are best for both of us and, above all, follow God’s direction.

And if you are my husband, I’m sorry if anything I do ever looks like I’m choosing someone else. I’m just doing my best to follow God step by step. I’m sorry, and I’ll always love you.

Even though I continue to write these letters, the truth is you lost me the moment you chose other women over me. And if any part of you would rather be with them than with me, then please choose them. I don’t want you to feel forced or obligated.

God is leading me down a path where, if we ever ended up together again, you’d have to fight for it. But I don’t want you to go through that unless you know without a doubt that you want me. I never wanted things to unfold this way, but God hasn’t given me another choice. And He keeps reminding me how important it is to treat others the way we want to be treated.

I felt like this was an important message for all women to remember, including me. I really do try to stay positive and focus on constructive feedback, and I’m truly sorry if I ever crossed a line with my words or caused more harm than good. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

And if there are any contentious women being disrespectful, projecting, accusing, or refusing to take responsibility for their actions, I will keep them on my radar and pay attention to anything God shows me. It makes my blood boil when women act like that.

When Jesus returns, the warrior bride will rise and fight for her Bridegroom. But it’s important to note that our stories may be slightly different until the one and only Jesus returns. God designed men to pursue women (submissive and loving women), not the other way around.

Last night, our oldest was asking me where that Christmas book was because he wanted to read it before bed. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. Then a little later, our youngest discovered it tucked behind one of the pillows, along with my alarm clock and my old phone. So apparently he hid it and then asked me where it was like he had no idea. I’m not sure why he’s doing that, but he eventually admitted to hiding it.

A couple nights ago, we were all sleeping in bed and our youngest suddenly woke up saying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” over and over, and then he kissed me on the cheek. It was totally out of the blue, but so sweet.

Both of the boys have been doing and saying some interesting things lately. If you truly love me, you’ll find a way to work things out. Because you are going to have to fight to get me back. And you’re going to have to work together to do it.

I’ve been doing some thinking, and you two are actually more similar than I realized. Your personalities are different, but you have more in common than I first thought. I think you should be able to get along pretty well.

I know I can come across like I’m strong and independent and none of this gets to me. But the truth is, I really need you right now. I’m a little scared, and it helps more than you know just knowing you’re there.

On the 21st, there’s going to be a winter solstice luminary parade here to celebrate the longest night of the year and the return of the light. We bought lights for the kids to wear and made a lantern last weekend. It should be really fun. Santa Ship is happening that day too. And for some reason, the past few days I’ve been thinking about one of my sister’s favorite Christmas songs — All I Want for Christmas Is You.

Yesterday my mom sent me a message saying that the second part of Wicked, For Good, is showing at the local movie theatre this weekend, and I think next weekend too. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go, but it does sound good.

I’m going to be sharing some important things about the future before the end of the year. With God, there’s nothing to fear, but I also want to give you a heads up that He’s asking me to walk into no man’s land. And once I do, there won’t be any turning back.

Please don’t forget why God brought you to this country. Someone shared this with me a few days ago. I really would hate for anything like that to happen. I just want to remind you that if God brought you here for a purpose, He’ll keep you here. And if that purpose is ever fulfilled or changes, He’s more than able to lead you wherever you need to be.

If you’re willing to cooperate and work together, I believe God will honor that and bring the miracle you’re hoping for. He can restore what was lost and make sure everyone is reunited with the person they love and with their children and families.

So if you haven’t already, please take some time to reread my letters and notes carefully. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I’m writing in the moment. I’m simply sharing my life and whatever God puts on my heart. But so many times when I go back and read it later, God opens my eyes to things I didn’t see before. There are a lot of hidden things He reveals to hearts that stay humble and willing.

I started watching this message from Jeremiah the other night, but I ended up falling asleep before I finished. It was really good, so I need to go back and finish it.

I also recently started practicing my Chinese on Duolingo before bed, but I keep forgetting, and the app has been sending me all these notifications I’ve been ignoring. But learning languages is good for my brain, so I really should keep up with it.

This also stood out to me today for a few different reasons. Would you please pray about it?

God has been hinting that there may be a time in the near future when I need to shift gears and stop posting for a while. So just keep that in mind and think about anything you might need to prepare if that does happen.

I want to remind everyone of the Scripture: “Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” God takes that seriously, but mercy is always available to those who turn back to Him.

I’m sorry Love, I have to do this for the boys’ future. Praying for the day God brings us back together. God led me to James 5 tonight, and I pray it gives you a bit of hope for what’s ahead.

Thank you for loving me like I am. And please hold on to me. I need a hero. Because what are we without love.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I know this is difficult. And I hope no one is making you question your obedience to the Lord or your ability to hear His voice. He truly does live in all of us.

Love,

I hope your Thanksgiving brought you peace and calm and that you were surrounded by people who support you and remind you that you’re loved.

This morning God led me to Isaiah 65, and it opened my eyes again to how deeply our choices matter. What you worship shapes your destiny, and God makes a clear distinction between those who chase their own way and those who rest in Him. It was the reminder I needed to keep my heart aligned with His will and the encouragement to trust that restoration and newness come when we hold onto Him.

The song Whatcha Say has been standing out to me these past few days, and it’s made me reflect on some things that I felt necessary to share. God sees how you treat His daughters, whether you realize that or not. He sees the women you entertained with no real intention, the ones you pursued out of lust, the ones you ghosted, the ones you misled while doing God’s work, and the hearts that were wounded because of mixed signals and emotional games. He also sees when you use the attention of other women to manipulate or hurt the one woman you actually care about. It’s deeply concerning, and it makes it impossible for me to trust you as you are now.

You need to bring all of this before God, repent, and make things right with Him. How can He entrust you with one of His daughters if you can’t value or protect their hearts? Guarding a woman’s heart is not optional. It is foundational to being a godly man, especially one who desires to be a husband. If you’re not practicing that as a single man, it will only become more challenging once you’re married.

There is no point praying for a Proverbs 31 woman if you are not allowing God to shape you into the man who can actually receive her. And I’m not saying all of this just for me, but for all my sisters in Christ. I genuinely hope you reconsider how you’ve been treating the women God places in your life.

These men bring up some really good points in this video and this one.

Even though I barely have enough money to buy food right now, I don’t care about your money. I don’t care about your success, your influence, or how attractive you are. None of that matters if you can’t be loyal, and I can’t trust you.

I’m done tolerating, chasing, or appeasing men who think it’s acceptable to take advantage of me physically, verbally, emotionally, or spiritually. It’s all the same, and I know God has better for me.

Talking about this makes me uncomfortable, but I care about you enough to be honest. I want the best for you, and I need you to know that it’s not going to successfully work with me (or with any woman of God) if these patterns continue.

All we want is a loyal man we can trust to lead, who knows how to communicate with respect, and who will do everything he can to guard our hearts, not break them.

So for now, the offer is still on the table for anyone who feels ready to step into that role as my king. As for the men in my past, God has made it clear they’re not ready. If they ever want access to my life again, they will have to let God transform them into true men of God and show (through their actions) that they can honor me as a daughter of the Most High.

I can’t be with a man who carries a Jezebel spirit or with a man who tolerates it like Ahab. I know it’s hard, but you can’t save someone who is pulling you away from God. We have to be discerning and wise about who we let close to us. All you can do is surrender them to Him, because He knows exactly what they need. I’m on a mission to break the influence of the Jezebel spirit, and I need a man with the humility, strength, and courage to grow and rise higher with me.

During nap time this afternoon, we sat on my parents’ deck by the water and read ’Twas the Night Before Christmas. As we were reading, I found myself thinking about the character of Santa (or Saint Nick as he’s called in the story). I was reflecting on how easily he becomes one of the biggest distractions and deceptions of Christmas. He’s this figure who slips in and out during the night, unseen and unheard, leaving behind material gifts that never truly satisfy. Meanwhile, the real meaning of Christmas is the birth of Jesus — the child whom wise men found by following a star, and the One who would grow up to lead us out of darkness and into His light. It was a good reminder that not everything we’re told or marketed about this season is rooted in truth.

In the middle of the story, this huge flock of mergansers swam by on the water. There were probably over a hundred of them! It was wild, but honestly really cool to see. A bit later on, some orca sighting boats were lingering right in front of the deck, but unfortunately we didn’t end up seeing any whales.

Just to be clear, the only interaction I’ve had with anyone of the opposite sex in recent months was two texts and a single phone call with a friend’s boyfriend’s son. Other than that (and aside from my dad and brother), I haven’t been talking to anyone. So if anyone is suggesting otherwise, please stop. Right now, my inner circle is limited to my family.

And to be completely honest, I’ve specifically asked God to guard me from ungodly or deceitful men. So unless you’re willing to walk through His refining fire and let Him transform you from the inside out, please leave me alone.

If you’re a man and you message me about anything that isn’t strictly professional or related to ministry, I’ll respond with a standard message along with a referral to a men’s group or ministry that can support you. And if you continue reaching out after that, you will be blocked, so please don’t expect me to read any further messages.

This evening I gave the boys a haircut. I was a little nervous to try it myself, but I learned some fade and blending techniques, and I’m actually really proud of how it turned out. They both look so handsome.

While I was making dinner, our youngest kept mentioning his belly button, and it reminded me of when he was just a few weeks old and had an umbilical granuloma. There was a little growth that kept his belly button from closing properly. I looked into it back then, and after applying a little salt to the spot, it dried up, fell off, and his belly button healed perfectly. Anyway, a bit of a random tangent, but I thought you might find it interesting.

In the morning my mom is going to watch the boys for a bit so I can go for a run and have some quiet time to myself. Then in the afternoon we’re heading to a wreath-making event in town, which should be really fun. And after the boys go to bed, I’m planning to bake a cake and wrap some gifts for a joint celebration we’re having on Sunday.

I know it’s hard to see sometimes, but everything really is going according to God’s plan. He’s in control, so don’t be discouraged. Take the time you need to focus on yourself. God will bring clarity when it’s time and will use all of this for your good and His glory. As for me, I need to take some time to heal, stay focused on the assignment He’s given me, and go my own way for a bit.

God led me to Jonah 4 tonight, and it reminded me how important self-forgiveness truly is. Jonah struggled to receive the same mercy God was freely giving, and it made me realize how often we do the same with ourselves.

Don’t pay attention to any negativity or nonsense being said. You’re going to come out of this storm better, stronger, healthier, and walking in even greater spiritual authority.

My prayer is that we keep Jesus at the very center of everything, because that’s the only thing that really matters. His Kingdom come, His will be done.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

Enjoying a cozy night coding. I’ve been having so much fun these past few days working on a Bible app idea that started as something I personally needed, but I’m hoping it might bless others too. I’m keeping this first version as simple as possible so I can get it out soon, but I already have so many ideas for future updates that I’m really excited about. I’ll keep you posted as it comes together. And thinking it would be so nice to be able to brainstorm ideas together.

Here’s the link to the Harvard Law program I was looking into. I don’t feel led to make it a priority right now, but I’m keeping it in mind for the future in case it’s something God might want me to step into later.

I was reminded today of Matthew 7:16, and I ended up listening to this teaching by Jeremiah. It really encouraged me and gave me a lot of hope for where the church is headed.

As I reflect on my past and some things God has been speaking to me regarding the future, I can see that He’s been leading me on a journey of becoming a warrior bride. And I’m willing to wait as long as needed for the righteous, fierce king He appoints to walk by my side.

For now, I’m praying God gives you peace as He leads you into this next season. And I’m still holding on to faith and believing that one day you’ll be in a place where you can finally say OK.

May God bless you in all that you do.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

Earlier this year, I was having a quiet conversation with God about how He fulfills His promises. I’m still new to so much of this and learning step by step, but He shared a few insights with me.

He showed me that He values our willingness to take steps of faith. For example, doing what we can with what we have, while trusting Him with the parts we can’t control. And there are moments when all we can do is pray, when we’re pressed up against a wall with no strength or options left. In those places, He steps in with His healing power and brings the promise to life in ways only He can.

In most situations, if there’s even a small step you can take, it’s worth taking it. Those little steps of obedience become a way of showing your faith.

When God gives you a promise, it’s something you’re meant to go after. Do your part, give it your all, and know that He’s with you every step. With His power working through you, you become unstoppable in the things He’s called you to do.

God never breaks His word, and He never goes back on His covenants. So how can His promises seem tied to our actions? It’s because He already knows the beginning from the end. He created you. He knows the choices you’ll make, and whether you have the courage to fight for what He’s spoken over your life.

We’re called to do everything we can, while staying in obedience to Him. We all have free will, but when God speaks clearly (whether it’s something He wants or something He’s asking us to lay down), we need to follow His lead. No matter how much we might want something, if He’s said not to pursue it, we have to let it go. Because there’s nothing in this world worth risking the presence of God on our lives.

When I was going through a really difficult season missing my family back in 2016, I used to listen to a lot of Enya. For years afterward, those songs would bring everything back. I’d find myself getting emotional and even tearing up because they were so tied to that time in my life. But now that I’m seeing those songs through the lens of this new season, they don’t carry the same weight they used to. I looked into it a little, and apparently our brains can actually update old memories with new emotional associations. It’s like the meaning of the music gets rewired as we heal. It really shows how much our hearts can change when God leads us into a new season.

Praying we all find kind love and someone willing to step out in faith to set the table.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

I was reminded today how important it is for us to guard our minds and keep them sharp, especially during difficult times.

Not only because of this warning...

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

But also because of this reminder...

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age.” Titus 2:11–12

As I was reflecting on those verses, I thought about how the joy of the Lord truly is the only high we should ever desire. It lifts us without clouding our minds and fills us with peace that lasts. It also reminded me of this clip from The Deep End.

Around the same time, the song “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” kept playing in my head, and it made me think about something deeper. It reminded me of that longing not to be left behind, but to stay close to the One who gives true life and joy that lasts. The world offers all kinds of temporary highs and distractions, but only Jesus gives a joy that never fades.

“And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.” 1 John 5:11–12

When we choose Him, we’re choosing life. Not the kind that depends on fleeting emotions or quick thrills, but the kind that stays and gives us deep, steady joy found in walking with Him every day.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

Last night the Lord led me to the book of Philemon, and I felt God reminding me of the power of forgiveness. Because it’s forgiveness that frees our hearts and opens the door for a new ending to be written.

This afternoon I listened to a podcast on the hidden dangers of being pregnant in America. And I was reflecting on encouraging women to consider home births, which I’m quite passionate about. I believe God designed the birthing process in a specific way, and sometimes modern medicine can interfere when it’s not needed. There’s a real need for more education and resources on this option to help women make informed choices.

In the next letter I plan to share (I’m just waiting on God for the right timing), I talk about some of my convictions regarding IVF, egg and embryo freezing, surrogacy, artificial wombs, and the industry around birth.

Science can be helpful, but having a child isn’t just a physical or medical thing. It’s tied to God’s timing and His purpose. He is the one who opens and closes the womb. Children aren’t something we create on demand. They’re gifts He gives. And while there’s nothing wrong with seeking medical help, I think it’s important to let God guide the way we think about it, because life is always in His hands.

We went to a birthday party this evening. The boys had a lot of fun with the other kids, and it was a nice chance to meet some new people on the island. Someone brought their dog, and our oldest told me how happy he is that he’s getting over his fear of dogs. He’s still careful, but he’s doing so much better. His teacher brings her sweet yellow lab to class every day, and I think that’s helped him a lot.

The name Catherine was highlighted to me today, but I’m not sure why.

This past year has been quite a journey. I feel like I’ve been on high alert for so long, trying to anticipate any potential threats, and it’s left me feeling pretty worn down. The last few months especially have been stressful, and I haven’t been eating, sleeping, or exercising the way I need to. I really need to take better care of myself, so I’m going to start making that a priority.

I pray you’re able to take some time to rest and care for yourself too — mind, body, and soul. And I pray you feel released from what’s behind you so you can step toward the beautiful things God has prepared ahead.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

My brother sent a message in the family group chat this morning saying he downloaded the Lawrence Welk and Andy Williams Christmas specials for us. We watch them every Christmas Eve, so it made me really happy to hear that.

When I couldn’t be with my family in past years, I would still watch it by myself and think of them. So being able to watch it in the same room this year feels really special. I’m honestly looking forward to it more than I realized.

God also put it on my heart to say that if anyone is using Alwyn’s identity or harassing him, please stop and repent. I have not had any contact with him in any way since I started this platform. There is no reason for him to be targeted or in the middle of any of this.

I’m not exactly sure what the future looks like yet, but I’d rather walk with God on my own than be with someone who can’t love me with respect or commit wholeheartedly.

God has shown me a few things about the future that I’ll share soon. And I can say with confidence that the boys will be so proud of you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There is purpose in all of this. God will take care of us, and He will keep us safe until the time is right.

And remember, it will all work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.

Something happened today that made me think about how easy it is to respond from old wounds. I realized how quickly I can make assumptions about someone’s intentions just because of past experiences. I’m trying to be more aware of that and work through it, but I’m still learning how to navigate it. Thank you for being patient and understanding.

This song came to mind today, and I remembered someone mentioning how unusual it was that there’s a cat in the video. I still think it’s a little strange. I also noticed another interesting stamp today, and then this clip from Curious George stood out to me as well. I’m not sure what to make of any of it yet. Would you please seek the Lord for any insights?

I felt like God wanted me to remind you of Jeremiah 1:5. You were known and chosen on purpose, and He will make sure you have everything you need for what’s ahead.

The song Way Maker has been standing out to me this week. Just a reminder to never give up on the promises God has spoken. He really is the God who makes a way when we can’t see one.

Peace to you in Christ.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

It’s been really windy and rainy here today. The water looked a little wild with all the white caps. I took a video from the loft for you while I was cleaning.

My mom has been staying with my brother the past few days to help with his kids, and she’ll be heading home tomorrow. She asked if I could clean the house while she’s away, just to make things a little easier for her when she gets back. So this afternoon, I put on some music and worked my way through the house — dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms, kitchen, the whole thing.

I also attempted to brush my mom’s cat and get a couple mats out of her fur. But she made it very clear she did not appreciate my efforts and scratched me. And that’s when I immediately remembered why I am more of a dog person.

When I was talking to my brother the other day, we ended up chatting about the app he and his wife have been developing. He let me try the TestFlight beta. It’s focused on starting your day with intention and it uses AI in a really thoughtful way. I actually think it’s a great idea with a lot of potential. He said they’re hoping to submit it to the App Store in a few weeks, which is pretty exciting.

I checked the PO Box today and found a package for my sister. When I told her, she made sure to tell me not to open it because it’s for Christmas. It made me smile because she’s always so on top of things. She’s definitely the organized one and loves to plan way ahead.

Everyone’s going to be here for Christmas this year, which I’m really looking forward to. Last year we did a holiday gathering at my brother’s place because my parents’ house was still under construction, so it’ll feel good to all be together here.

Christmas feels like it’s still a long way off, but I’m sure will be here before we know it. Thinking about it made me want to put on the Christmastime album by Michael W. Smith. It’s the most beautiful Christmas music and my favorite to listen to during that time. It’s just so beautiful and peaceful.

This evening during my quiet time, I ended up reading the Bible on my phone. I was using the NeuBible app, which in my opinion is the most beautifully designed Bible app. I love how simple it is and how it keeps the focus on the Word without a bunch of extra features. Some of the navigation is a little hidden at first, but once you get used to it, it’s actually super easy to move around in and feels really natural. I really like that about it.

I was led to read 2 Timothy tonight, and I found so much encouragement in it. There were so many parts that felt really relatable. It also includes one of my favorite verses, 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” During the really stressful times when I was working on retraining my thoughts, I used to dunk my face in a bowl of ice water while repeating that verse and inhaling essential oils. I know it sounds crazy, but it was actually really helpful for calming my nervous system.

The boys were at it again this evening, and at one point they were throwing an octopus back and forth. Later our youngest also reminded me about the domestic violence resource center here, and he was telling me that if anyone unexpectedly shows up at the door I should tell them to go to jail. He surprises me sometimes with how much he just knows. And I love how protective he is already.

I watched a video today on the idea of demonic compassion, and I thought she brought up some really insightful points. I can tell she carries a lot of wisdom.

I just recently got back on Instagram, and I really don’t spend much time on social media. But I’ve noticed these posts from Christian influencers showing up in my feed, which overall I think is wonderful and should be encouraged. I have though come across a few posts (from both men and women) about dating and finding a spouse that made me pause. I just really hope no one is using their platform in a way that stirs up confusion or false hope. The hearts of God’s children are precious, and we’re called to love one another with sincerity and honesty.

Related to that, I’ve genuinely felt that God asked me to share these notes and letters here for a specific purpose during this time. My intention was never to build a following or gain attention. And I’m trusting that the people who need them will come across them. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been sensing that it’s time to transition into something new. So the plan is to wrap things up in the next month or so and focus on a new direction.

I’ve gotten the sense that my family thinks I might be reading too much into things. My dad even mentioned that he hopes I’m not catastrophizing. And I can see where they’re coming from. But with everything that’s happened, I’m a little more on guard these days. I just want to make sure things are covered and I’m not overlooking anything. So if anyone is claiming to be a member of my family, please stop and repent. They have been minding their own business and are not involved in this at all.

Before I end, I just want to remind you that God always finishes what He starts. God has not forgotten, and He has not left any of us alone in this. As 1 John 5:5 reminds us, “Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” Those who belong to Him are never defeated. We will overcome because He already has.

Please remember to rest. And know that I’m always praying for you.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

When we turned the clocks back this weekend, it made me think about this time last year in Alaska and how dark the winters get there. I actually really liked it. The darkness made it easier to sleep. I had been running on barely four hours of sleep for so long, and I was completely exhausted. I kept falling asleep during the day or at night while I was working or putting the boys to bed. I even fell asleep on the toilet once. I remember waking up so disoriented, like I had no idea where I was. It was really bad. So finally getting six or more hours of sleep at night felt like such a blessing. And the long, dark evenings made everything feel calm and cozy.

Yesterday my mom messaged me to ask how I was doing. I told her I’m mostly okay, but also that I’ve been really angry all day. If this were only about me, I probably would have let it go a long time ago. It’s just not worth losing my energy or peace over. I don’t care what’s been said or how people see me. They’re free to think what they want. But this isn’t just about me. It’s about the boys. And I will not leave a single stone unturned until I figure out what has been going on.

I saw an ad for the American Girl dolls, and it instantly took me back to my sixth birthday. I had been flipping through those magazines for what felt like forever, completely obsessed with Samantha. When my parents actually gave her to me, I was in total shock. I just froze and started shaking because I couldn’t believe it was really happening. My older sister had to rush over and help me because I was so overwhelmed in the moment.

My mom got rid of most of my things when my parents sold our childhood home in Illinois, but she told me she saved a box of my stuff somewhere around here. I’m hoping Samantha is in there.

When I was leaving the nursery at church yesterday, the lady who runs Sunday school handed me a cup full of snacks that our oldest didn’t finish. She mentioned he eats very slowly, which is true. He can be pretty picky, and getting him to eat can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. I’ve been working on it with him, and his teacher has been helping too. But our youngest loves food and was more than happy to finish it all for him.

After church, we stopped by a community clothing drive at the Christian school gym. The whole gym was filled with tables of clothes, and everything was free. It was such a wonderful thing for them to organize. I found a few good items for the boys, and then I started looking for myself. I came across this really nice oversized vest and thought it would be perfect for layering. Then I realized I’d been browsing through the plus-size section by mistake. But I liked it anyway, so I decided to take it with me.

I also found a really cute turtleneck. I love wearing them, even in the warmer months, which probably makes me a little weird. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that having my neck covered just makes me feel more comfortable and secure. I read somewhere that the neck is one of the most vulnerable parts of the body, which is why some people tend to touch or cover it when they’re feeling anxious, insecure, stressed, or fearful. So...maybe that’s something to talk about with a therapist someday.

My dad and our oldest went to pick up a door in the part of the island they call the Ozarks. I had to take the car seats out, so I used the chance to vacuum the car and the seats since it had been about a week or so. It always feels so nice when the car is clean and free of crumbs, pine needles, dirt, and everything else we end up tracking in.

Every time I hear about the Ozarks, I’m reminded of Kanakuk Kamps, which is a Christian summer camp I went to for twelve years growing up. I loved it so much. It was always such a fun and special place. We used to stop and visit my grandma in Missouri on the way there, which made those trips even better. For the longest time, I actually thought “camp” was spelled with a K because of Kanakuk.

On a related thought, my name was legally changed to Chiara, with a slightly different spelling for my last name too. But online we used the name Kiara as the brand for design projects. He controlled all the online profiles and handled the client side of things, while I focused on the design work.

The Little Bear Movie came up today, which always reminds me of living at the house in Georgia in the fall of 2021. It was the first house we ever bought together. We moved to Nashville that December, but I always longed to move back to Georgia. I just loved that house and the property so much more.

For some reason, red hair has really been standing out to me today. I don’t know why, because I’ve never seriously thought about dyeing my hair that color. Maybe it could look good? I’m just not sure I could actually go through with it. I’ve always leaned more toward blonde.

You know those “tear here” lines on food packages? Today I was opening a bag of cashews and I tore it exactly on the line...and it still didn’t open. So I ended up grabbing scissors and cutting it anyway. I think that might actually be one of my biggest pet peeves. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like some of those packages could be designed better? Please tell me I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

This week I’ve been reflecting on how powerful our thoughts can be and how the enemy often tries to attack them. When I was in college, I used to have these thoughts that one day I’d be separated from my family. I also remember thinking, for reasons I couldn’t explain, that I might die at a young age. So when Craig made me cut contact with my family and would threaten to kill me or make me want to kill myself, I started to believe maybe that was just how things were meant to be. It’s so crazy that I would think that, but I didn’t understand the spiritual battle of the mind back then. Looking back, it’s so clear that was the enemy trying to come against God’s good plans for my life.

There was a time when I lost hope of ever seeing my family again. But I now see how God never stopped working behind the scenes, and He really does make all things beautiful in His time.

He had threatened me throughout our entire relationship, but in the months before his arrest, things became really stressful and scary. He told me he was going to separate me from the family and that I’d have to stay at our house in Nashville while his girlfriend, Andria, took care of the kids. And if we moved to California, he said I’d never be allowed to leave the house, and he’d hire a nanny to take them out instead. He even threatened to kill me or abandon me. There were so many terrifying things said and done to me.

And I had to start rebuking all those thoughts. I kept saying over and over, I will not be separated from my children. God would never want children to be taken from their mother without cause. So I began declaring His promises over my life and rejecting anything that went against them.

The only other thing I did was pray. Starting at the beginning of September, I made it a point to pray every day for everyone involved, all of our families, for healing and restoration, and most importantly, for God’s will to be done.

A couple weeks after I started praying, Andria suddenly disappeared from our house in Nashville. She didn’t say a word. One day everything seemed normal, and the next day she was just gone. We were all shocked and really worried about what might have happened. About a week later, on September 20th, the police and FBI showed up at our house.

I did nothing to bring this upon him. All I did was pray, speak the truth, follow the law, and do everything I could to protect the boys.

God is a jealous God, and when His children find themselves in environments that aren’t good for them, He steps in. Sometimes that means removing us from places or people that pull us away from Him or lead us deeper into sin. His love is too strong to let us stay where we’re being harmed or drawn away from His purpose.

I really struggled with the thought of separating the boys from their father. It was far from ideal, and I was doing everything I could to make it work. I also knew that if it was truly God’s will, He would make a way for it to happen without me having to force anything. So all I did was pray. Because when something is truly God’s will, you don’t have to force it or make it happen yourself. All you need to do is pray, stay obedient to what He’s asking of you, and stand firm on His promises. In His perfect timing, He’ll make sure everything unfolds exactly as it’s meant to.

I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to share this, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable because I value people’s privacy and want to be respectful. But over the past few days, I’ve felt the Lord prompting me to bring some things into the light. My hope is that by sharing, it might help someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation.

(It’s been a while since I’ve used Figma, so it took me a minute to get used to the new UI. I actually like the updates though. The floating toolbars remind me a little of the Notability redesign.)

Can we please set aside everything else and focus on what’s truly best for the boys? In what world would it make sense to remove them from the mother who has been with them every single day since they were in her womb? How could that possibly benefit them?

I have no words for anyone who would try to separate children from a loving, capable mother who has done nothing wrong and has given her all to care for them. If anyone chooses to take part in, or remain silent about, an effort to separate me from my children after knowing the truth and all we’ve been through, may the Lord Himself rebuke you.

If their father truly wants to be part of their lives, he’ll need to bring it before God. Because I can only do what the Father leads me to do. I do hope that one day he’ll be able to have a relationship with them again. And if God confirms that it’s right, I won’t hesitate to open that door, but only when He gives me the green light.

I woke up this morning singing The More We Work Together. If we work together, we can help God bring things back into alignment with His will. I just want to encourage and remind everyone to listen closely to His voice and stay obedient, even when it’s hard.

My brother and sister both suggested that I reach out to Betty to help clear things up. I contacted her last fall and explained what had been going on. She was very kind and supportive. She said she had sensed something wasn’t right and was relieved to hear I was getting the help I needed. At the time, she thought it might be best to let the court system handle things, but lately I’ve been feeling like I might need to involve her again. Please keep her in your prayers. I’m a bit worried she may have been or will be threatened in some way.

Also, if anyone is claiming to be Adrienne, please stop and repent.

The other day, our oldest was building a tower out of books on one of the counters. He was so proud of it and couldn’t wait to show me. But I started to worry as I saw some of the books beginning to fall, and I told him to take it down before it knocked over the delicate things around it.

I was reminded of the Tower of Babel. And it made me think about how sometimes we try to build things, but we don’t always have the same perspective God does. And sometimes, He can’t allow what we’re building to stand or be successful, because He sees the ways it could cause harm to something precious to Him.

I just want to remind you that your healing and family restoration will come, so don’t ever doubt it. God will bring it about in ways you’ve dreamed of and even beyond what you’ve imagined. Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy. God is simply taking the time to put every piece in its perfect place.

Grace be with you all.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, overreacting, or have avoidant attachment issues. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. What this situation has taught me is that I can only rely on God. Even if that means standing alone, I’m okay with that. I’m done tolerating what’s evil or pretending it’s okay. I will do whatever it takes to expose it and let God handle the judgement.

Love,

During nap time today, we went over to my parents’ house for a bit since the bunkhouse is just a studio. Every time I’m there, I’m drawn to vacuum their whole place. My mom has this really nice, lightweight cordless vacuum with a little green light. And there’s something oddly satisfying about watching all the dust, dirt, and pet hair disappear. It feels almost therapeutic in a way. I think part of what makes it so relaxing is that it’s the kind of mindless work where you can just let your thoughts wander, listen to worship music or a podcast, or spend the time praying and talking with God.

We stopped by the fall festival at church this evening, and one of my dad’s friends commented that I looked young enough to be the boys’ older sister. I’m not sure I’d go that far, but that was really kind of him to say.

Our oldest won a round of bingo and got to pick a prize from the table. He chose a skateboard helmet and pads, and I said, “Are you sure? We don’t even have a skateboard.” He just smiled and said, “It’s okay, Mama! We’ll get one.” He’s so cute. He wore them around all night when we got home and was just so excited.

I had a conference with his teacher yesterday, and she was telling me how wonderful he is at school. She said he’s the perfect student. All the faculty and kids love him. She said he’s excelling in every subject, especially math. He’s so detail-oriented and meticulous, always wanting to do his best and please his teacher. As she was describing him, I couldn’t help but think he’d make an excellent hall monitor one day. The apple definitely doesn’t fall far from the tree!

I was thinking today about how different I probably seem in person compared to how I come across in my writing. Most people know me as pretty quiet, reserved, and gentle-spirited, so I can see how my writing might catch some people off guard. Just to clear that up, everything I write comes from my own heart and the inspiration God gives me. There’s no one else helping me, just Him guiding the words.

If you’re wondering why I might seem or sound a little different now, it’s because I spent nine years living with someone who was like a dragon — who was also intelligent, confident, and charismatic enough to become whoever he needed to be to get whatever he wanted. And during that time, I had to develop sharp discernment and learn how to fight just to survive. I was refined in the fire, and for better or worse, some of that fire has stayed with me.

Since the middle of March, when all the shenanigans seemed to start, I’ve been hoping people would do the right thing and tell the truth. But when a gang of people gossip behind my back, spread lies, attempt to assassinate my character, and try to separate me from my boys (when all I’ve done is remain obedient to God), I won’t stay quiet. I will speak up and fight for them and their future.

The other day I got a notification from the Bible app with Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things.” That verse always reminds me of my sorority, Pi Phi, because we would recite it at every chapter meeting. It’s a really good one and something I believe we should all keep striving toward.

I remember one year we had an event where we met up with some of the older Pi Phi ladies from the area, and one of them was so kind and gave me a beautiful angel ornament. The angel is an unofficial symbol of the sorority, and I’ve kept it with me all these years.

The song “What Is This Feeling?” from Wicked really stood out to me yesterday, and it made me think back to my college days. I started remembering my roommates, Stephanie and Kaitlin, and how much I truly enjoyed living with them. They were always so kind, and the first and only people from Stanford I felt comfortable reaching out to when I was finally able to reconnect with friends from that season of my life.

After we graduated, I lived in San Francisco for a little while with Melissa and Lindsey, who were both in my sorority. I ended up moving out after only a few months though, because I got a job back in Palo Alto, but also because things with Lindsey became really difficult. I felt very disrespected and spiritually attacked. At the time, I didn’t have the discernment to fully understand what was happening, but looking back I can see I was facing some strong spiritual resistance (Jezebel and others). Can you please pray for her? I would love to see her set free from any control those spirits may have on her.

Before I moved out, my family and I spent the holidays in Australia. I remember praying while I was there, asking God to help me find another place to live because I really wanted to move out. Just a few days later, a room opened up in another house with some friends from Stanford. I was so relieved and grateful for the immediate answer to prayer.

A few months later, I met Craig at church in Menlo Park. I’m starting to think Jezebel was really trying to follow me. But praise God, because He’s used those experiences to strengthen my discernment and deepen my trust in Him. I know I am in His full protection and unstoppable now!

The situation with the birth certificates has been really discouraging. Because the mother is listed as Nicole Smith (born October 1, 1994), I’m required to have a lawyer just to order a copy. And then I’ll need a court order to have it corrected. The difficult part is that Nicole Smith isn’t even a real person. He’s created different identities for different purposes and somehow managed to get them entered into the system. Other than what’s on the birth certificate and with the midwives, I’ve never gone by that name and don’t have any identification that matches it. He once had me legally change my name to Chiara, but I’ve since changed it back to my birth name.

I’m not even sure what name the father is listed as on the certificate, possibly Greg. He’s legally changed his name more times than I can remember, so I truly don’t know.

I believe the child’s name is listed as William Smith. When he was born, God placed the name William on my heart, though we’ve never actually called him that. So I’ve been trying to figure out what to put on the birth certificate once we’re able to get it corrected. I’ve been thinking a double middle name might be a good option, so he can still go by his nickname while keeping the name God gave him.

I also realized I might be searching for a birth certificate that doesn’t even exist in Oregon, since he once mentioned possibly filing for one in California or another state. There’s still a lot to sort through and understand. In the meantime, if anyone is claiming to be Nicole Smith, please stop and repent.

Earlier this week, I was feeling a lot of anxiety about what might happen and just really stuck in this situation. It’s been hard realizing that I can’t fully rely on law enforcement, the FBI, or even the courts to have my back in all of this. I don’t think it’s because people in those roles are bad or intentionally ignoring the truth. It’s more that the system itself is so broken. For those without resources, connections, or a loud enough voice to be truly heard, finding justice can feel almost impossible.

My mom and sister both mentioned that I should maybe reach out to Rebecca Bender. She’s the one who started the human trafficking organization and created the course I took earlier this year.

Even with the support of others, I also realized that my ultimate hope and justice come from God alone. So a few days ago I decided it was finally time to bring my case before the Courts of Heaven, the only courts that truly matter. I humbled myself, repented, and came before the throne room of God, trusting Him to see what no one else could and to bring justice in His perfect way.

I went before the ultimate Judge and asked Him to open my book of life in Heaven. I asked Him to compare His records with Satan’s book of accusations. And I humbly pleaded my case, declaring before Him that the accusations coming against me are either lies or sins I’ve already repented of and been forgiven for.

For any accusations from Satan himself, I asked God to extend the royal law found in James 2:8: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Since being set free from my past, I’ve truly tried to live my life showing mercy to others. So I asked that, if God agreed, His mercy would triumph over Satan’s claims of judgment and remove any legal claim the enemy has tried to make against me.

I also interceded on behalf of each of my family members, and for a few others God placed on my heart. We are fully covered and protected by the blood of Jesus Christ, and the enemy no longer has any legal right to accuse or come against my family in any way.

How dare you come after children of God like this with a web of despicable lies. The Lord rebuke you, child of Satan! I will never allow my boys to be controlled by the kingdom of darkness. The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is backing me in this.

Who do you think you are? Do you really think you are more powerful than God? The God who created the universe? The only reason you are still breathing is because He is mercifully allowing it and still has purpose for your life. And I know you know that is true.

I’m not looking for an apology, all I want is for you to humble yourself before God and turn back to Him. Because the other option is to continue in your pride and eventually go to hell. Please choose wisely though, because I’m not ready to say goodbye forever.

I need you. Our family needs you. And more than anything, I believe God wants us to stand together to overthrow the queen of darkness. We cannot let her control and destroy the lives of men any longer. And if you don’t want to do it for me, then do it for the boys. They need you. This is about their future and the future for generations to come.

You can sometimes act like a monster, but I also know you have one of the biggest and most caring hearts and will do anything to protect the people you love. And you taught me to do the same.

My only prayer has been that God would do whatever it takes to expose the lies and bring you to a place of humility. I know that can make me seem like the villain or enemy in your story, but I hope one day you will understand that it’s because I love you so much and can’t bear seeing the enemy have any hold on you.

I need your help to raise up an army of mighty men — men who can fight in the Spirit, stand firm in truth, and help bring down the forces of darkness so that order can be restored to the land, just as God intended. As 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”

My heart’s desire is to find a man I can truly submit to, but I know I can only do that if he is fully submitted to Christ. Without that, I couldn’t trust his leadership, and I know God wouldn’t call me to.

I wore my sweatshirt with the hearts today, which reminded me of the post I wrote a few months ago: Which Heart Will You Choose?

Please seek help to let God deliver and heal you from the strongholds and trauma that have been passed down through your bloodline, as well as any caused by your own choices. Because we will only be successful if we do this God’s way and remain under His protection.

This is a bit random, but the past few days I’ve found myself singing Christmas songs, and Frosty the Snowman keeps popping into my head. Our oldest has also been singing Go Tell It on the Mountain. So if you happen to be reading this around that time, Merry Christmas!

Also, the name Anna has been standing out to me lately, though I’m not sure why. Would you seek the Lord about it and see if He shows you anything?

I’m not angry with you. I love you, and I forgave you a long time ago. But I can’t continue to enable sinful behavior. If we’re ever going to move forward, I need you to be upfront and honest with me. Right now, I honestly don’t know what’s true. I don’t know if anything you told me was real, or if the feelings you expressed were genuine, or if you were just manipulating me all along. I truly don’t know what to believe anymore.

I’m praying for you and your breakthrough, and trusting in God’s good plans for us all.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. Oh, and ladies — it’s time we start treating the men in our lives with respect and honor. Because my boys understand what real masculinity looks like and will lovingly put you in your place if needed.

Love,

This morning I drove my mom to the ferry. She’s on her way to visit my grandma, and it was nice to have that drive to visit before she left. On the way, we started talking about church on Sunday. The boys and I were home sick, so we missed it, but she was telling me about some announcements related to the pastor leaving at the end of the year. Apparently, they’re sending out a survey asking what people hope for in the new pastor, and it made me think how those kinds of surveys can sometimes set people up for disappointment, because no one’s ever going to check every box. What really matters is finding the person God chooses and sends. And He has such a beautiful way of using the unexpected.

Last night I read 1 Timothy 1, and it really tied into all of this. Paul talks about how God shows mercy and calls even those who seem least qualified to carry His message. But then near the end of the chapter, he mentions delivering certain people to Satan. It reminded me that even God’s discipline comes from a place of mercy. Sometimes He lets people experience the weight of their choices. It’s not to punish them, but to bring their hearts back to Him. It helped me see that no matter who He’s working through, God’s purpose is always to restore what’s been broken and draw hearts closer to Him. I think God cares less about perfection and more about a heart that’s willing to learn, grow, and be shaped by His truth and grace.

My mom also sent me a link about SNAP benefits expiring. Even though we technically qualify, we haven’t been able to access them because of the birth certificate situation. Still, God has been so faithful to provide for us in other ways. It actually felt like a confirmation, because a couple of weeks ago I started working on a video about how hunger is being used as a weapon in different parts of the world. So many people are going hungry. It’s sometimes because of natural disasters, but often because of war, governments blocking aid, broken systems, or just people going through hard seasons where they need help.

I’ve felt this burden to pray that God would move on people’s hearts to step in and help and that He’d show His power to those using hunger as a weapon. I’m praying He softens their hearts, opens their eyes, and brings true repentance. It’s something that feels so urgent to pray about right now. And it reminded me how important it is to strengthen our local communities. There’s a food bank at the church every Friday. I haven’t been yet, but I’m thinking about going this week to see how their process works.

I was doing laundry at my parents’ house this afternoon, and when I moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I noticed a marble sitting in the drum. It caught me off guard, because we don’t have any marbles in the bunkhouse. It must’ve been left behind by someone else.

The boys and I opened some scavenger hunt game cards today that my sister had given them. They’re beautifully made by a company called eeBoo, which I hadn’t heard of before. I ended up visiting their website and was so inspired by their story and the purpose behind what they do.

Before picking up our oldest from school, we stopped by the market to grab something quick. The moment we walked in, I was hit with the most amazing smell of Indian food, and it instantly made me crave samosas! It probably smelled extra good because I was fasting lol. I was honestly so surprised though, because I had no idea they even sold Indian food there. It’s never smelled like that before. It totally brought back memories of all the incredible Indian food in the Bay Area. And then as we were walking out, we ran into my dad in the parking lot, which was a fun and unexpected surprise.

Over the past few days, God has been highlighting Dubai to me, and it’s brought back a lot of memories. I remember how intense the spiritual atmosphere felt there. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. But looking back, I can see how things shifted the moment we landed in India. The abuse suddenly intensified and took on a whole new level. I sensed such a difference, and now I realize we were likely coming up against a different principality. Both India and the UAE carried this heavy spiritual atmosphere that was hard to put into words. It got to the point where I remember being at the Marquis in Dubai, this stunning, high-end place, but feeling so spiritually and physically attacked that I just wanted to get out. I just wanted to be somewhere safe.

Lately the boys have been wrestling and getting into little fights more than usual, which I’ve been trying to navigate. Our oldest has been a bit rough lately and seems to find it hilarious to sneak up and scare his little brother. Our youngest usually ends up running into the bathroom to hide, crying and calling for me, while our oldest waits outside with a mischievous grin. He sometimes even crouches down on all fours and pretends to be a snow leopard or something.

It actually reminded me of how our dogs, Tailee and Rusty, used to play. Tailee would hide and quietly watch him, waiting for just the right moment. Then as soon as Rusty wasn’t paying attention and just doing his own thing, she’d go for the attack. She could be surprisingly aggressive sometimes. It even got a little scary on a few occasions, so we learned to keep a close eye on her. I’ve honestly never met another golden retriever quite like her. But she was also incredibly smart, super observant, and a great watchdog.

Anyway, I’ve been working with our oldest on playing more gently. I’ve felt bad about it at times because I can sense myself getting irritated, and that’s not the attitude I want to have toward him. But he really does need to learn that when his younger brother says no, starts crying, or asks for space, it’s important to stop and respect that.

And I’ve also noticed that when I try to comfort our youngest, our oldest sometimes gets upset or feels left out (maybe even a little jealous), which can make him act out more. It’s like this cycle I’m trying to break. I’ve been doing my best to handle it with love and patience, but honestly most times I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job.

Tonight I was out in the garage, where I usually work once the boys are asleep, just pacing and trying to clear my head. But some thoughts kept circling and started to really frustrate me. I think I just need to get them out. Thank you for giving me the space to share this.

I’m honestly feeling so frustrated with people who present themselves as more godly just because they’re always pleasant and avoid conflict. Over time I’ve realized those are sometimes the people you have to be most cautious with. It’s not because they’re bad, but because they often lack the courage to speak up when something hard needs to be said. They avoid the difficult conversations that actually bring clarity and unity, so you’re never quite sure where they really stand. And sadly, I’ve learned that kind of silence can lead to betrayal, even when it’s unintentional.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is how God doesn’t care how many Bible verses we can quote or how often we show up to church. Atheists read the Bible. Muslims read the Bible. Even witches and warlocks go to church services. And Satan himself knows Scripture better than any of us ever will. What matters to God isn’t just knowing the Word, it’s living it.

And to live by the Word, we have to know it, and to truly live it out, we need to be part of community. But just reading the Bible or sitting in church every Sunday means nothing if our hearts aren’t surrendered. We have to humble ourselves, take a hard look in the mirror, and let God deal with the plank in our own eye before we start pointing out the speck in someone else’s.

Rebellion, as Scripture says, is the same as witchcraft. And it’s heartbreaking how often that kind of spiritual pride and division shows up within the Church. We’re meant to be on the same team, fighting for each other, not against each other. That’s why what Jeremiah Johnson said here really resonated with me.

I also listened to this interview with Sundar Selvaraj Sadhu, which I think you will find interesting. And I came across this Inside Out video I felt led to share.

We need each other to do this. None of us can carry out God’s mission alone. We need our combined talents, gifts, and callings. Can we please just come together, put aside our differences, and focus on what really matters?

We need to shift our perspective and start seeing with spiritual eyes. This goes beyond individual opinions or situations. It’s about a much greater purpose. What’s at stake is the future of the Church, our nation, and even the world. We need to work together to address the spiritual warfare at the highest levels.

I can see the beautiful things God has ahead for all of us. Don’t lose hope. God can still bring beauty from the ashes. The early church stood firm on the Rock, and we can do the same today. We were never meant to do this alone. We need each other. I need you.

The God who created the universe lives within us. We are unstoppable as long as we allow Him to move through us. That same power is available to everyone who believes. We just have to stay connected to the true source of power. Praise the Lord, and all glory to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob!

With that said, I stand on the authority of Jesus Christ and declare that no weapon formed against my boys will prosper. Enough is enough. Satan, it’s time to let them go. If this continues, I sense the Lord giving a strong warning that anyone who willingly aligns themselves with darkness to oppose God’s children and His purposes is placing themselves outside His protection. When we choose rebellion over repentance, we invite destruction into our own lives. I don’t want that for anyone. Please, take this seriously and stop before it gets worse. There’s still time to repent and let God bring healing instead.

Grace, if someone is using your identity in any way, please have the courage to speak up and tell the truth. And if that’s not what’s happening, please have the courage to tell me that too. I genuinely don’t know what’s been going on. I’m here, isolated on this island, without communication from anyone. It’s like everyone’s avoiding me as if I’m the Grinch. But something doesn’t feel right, and I’m growing more concerned for everyone involved.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. How to Train Your Dragon keeps coming up recently. More thoughts on that later...

Love,

The other day my mom was telling me about the Transforming Center. She said it was a lifeline for her during the season when she was struggling with having lost me for a while. It really meant a lot to her. From what she shared, it sounds like a wonderful organization, and I thought you might find it interesting.

Our youngest was crying today, and as I watched the little tears roll down his cheeks, I remembered how babies don’t actually have tears right away when they’re born. It takes a little while for that to develop. Leave it to me to turn a crying baby into a mini science lesson...but later I got curious and started reading about it. Turns out, we actually have different kinds of tears. Some keep our eyes healthy and hydrated, some protect them from things like dust or onions, and others come straight from emotion. Those emotional tears even have stress-relieving chemicals in them, which might be why crying can feel so healing sometimes. It’s incredible to think about how God even designed our tears with purpose.

I also listened to a really powerful discussion this evening about the spirit of Athaliah. It was so encouraging and full of wisdom that I just had to share it with you.

While I was listening, I started working on a puzzle we found at the thrift store a couple of weekends ago. It’s a cute one, and there’s something so comforting about listening and working on it piece by piece.

Wishing I could give you a hug. You’re always in my heart, and I hold onto the hope of the day we’ll be together. Until then, please take care of yourself and remember to get good rest. Praying for you.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I’m off to edit that letter I’ve been promising you...whistling while I work, of course :)

Love,

Yesterday was a bit disappointing and honestly pretty exhausting for us. I’m feeling worn down by everything that’s been happening, but still holding onto hope. I hope things are going more smoothly on your end.

We tried to do the maternity test, but they weren’t able to go through with it because I don’t have any identification for the boys. But to get any of those, I first need the maternity test to correct the birth certificates. So we’re kind of stuck in a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation right now.

The Lord has been leading me to stay quiet and trust Him to work things out, so I haven’t been sharing much with the Georgia police or the FBI. But I did reach out to them about this situation, and I’m praying they’ll be able to help us get everything straightened out.

My mom and I were talking on the drive, and she mentioned The Joy Luck Club. I’ve never read it, but she said it reminded her that there’s always more to someone’s story if we’re willing to really listen. A lot of the time, misunderstandings come from things left unsaid. But when we’re honest and push past the shame, that’s when real healing can start to happen.

While we were talking, the Lord was bringing to mind how deeply the emotional and physical are connected. I have a few more thoughts about it to share, but I want to take some time to process them first. I was also reminded of a book I started last fall called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. It’s really insightful, and I thought you might find it interesting too.

We ended up talking about the Enneagram as well. I have kind of mixed feelings about personality tests. They’re great for noticing patterns or areas where we can grow, but if we focus on them too much, I believe they can start to limit how we see ourselves and what we believe we’re capable of.

When I took it in college, I was a 9 with an 8 wing. My mom said that combination tends to be like a quiet teddy bear until provoked, which made me laugh. She also mentioned how nines often accommodate others to keep the peace until they realize their voice matters. Once that happens, it can shake up relationships a bit. It forces people to adjust with you, and not everyone will.

It makes sense, since I’m an INFP. I tend to be peaceful and reflective, always trying to see where people are coming from. But when something feels really wrong, that quiet side disappears, and I won’t stay silent.

She also shared how a lot of these things tend to surface once you become a parent. It’s not just about you anymore. It’s about your children. Your perspective shifts, and you start to see things differently, questioning some of the behavior that was accepted in the past. I used to let people take advantage of my kindness, but motherhood brought out a different kind of strength in me. Because when it comes to my children, protecting them comes before everything else. If anyone were to threaten their safety (physically, emotionally, or spiritually), I’d do whatever it takes to protect them. I can’t remain in an environment that could harm or limit them in any way. And in learning to stand up for them, I’ve realized I’m also learning to stand up for myself.

On the drive there, I called my grandma (my mom’s mom) to thank her for a gift she recently sent me. She’s so sweet, and I always love getting to talk with her. It’s hard to believe she’s ninety-four. She’s doing so well, and in so many ways, she hasn’t really changed at all. My mom and sister are going to visit her at the end of the month, and I’ll admit I’m a little jealous. I haven’t had the chance to see her yet, and I really want to before it’s too late.

This might be a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to share it. My grandma still lives alone, and we were talking about what things might look like for her down the road. My mom mentioned a few people we know who moved into nursing homes and passed away shortly after (within a year or so). Hearing that really made me sad. I started thinking about how hard that kind of transition can be, with all the change, the loss of what’s familiar, and the loneliness that can sometimes come with it.

I’ve always been very sensitive to other people’s emotions, and I couldn’t help but picture what it might feel like to be in that kind of environment. I can imagine it being hard surrounded by so many who may be struggling with anxiety, fear, or loss. It just feels like there has to be a better way. And I don’t think we do a great job of caring for our elders, especially here in America.

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed how much support and encouragement I’ve received from older people. They just seem to carry a certain kindness, humility, and sincerity that’s rare these days. They’ve lived enough life to know what really matters, and there’s so much we can learn from them. I truly believe we need to take better care of them and value their wisdom while we still can. I’m actually getting emotional as I write this, because I really sense that this matters deeply to God, and it’s something we need to address.

We ran into one of my mom’s friends on the ferry, and she started sharing a bit of her story with me. She also told me about her daughter-in-law’s ministry and her son’s blog. They sound like such a wonderful couple with a really beautiful love story. I think you’d enjoy reading it.

Reflecting on all of this has reminded me how important honesty and clarity are, and I feel I need to be honest with you about a few things. The way things have unfolded has made me really uncomfortable. There have been many times I wanted to stop writing altogether. But I’m doing my best to stay obedient to what I feel the Lord is asking of me, even when it’s difficult, and to trust that He has a purpose in all of this.

But at this point, I don’t know if I can trust you. And I’m not even sure what’s meant to be anymore after the way you’ve treated me. When you mocked me in front of everyone, I tried to forgive and move on, but it still hurts that you haven’t cared enough to acknowledge it or make things right. That’s been difficult to understand, and it’s left me questioning a lot. I’ve come to recognize that humiliation opens the door to witchcraft, and I’m no longer willing to accept that toward myself or anyone else.

Since then, God has instructed me to stay away from your community. I also feel led to say that if anyone is using my name or pretending to be me in any way, I urge them to stop immediately and seek forgiveness. God has seen everything, and He will not stay silent. His justice will come, but so will His mercy for those who repent. I’m trusting that God will bring everything hidden into the light and use all of this for good.

I’m not sure what’s been happening, but I want you to know that the original emails I sent you and what I’ve written here are truly from me. Anything else is not. If anyone has said or done something to you while pretending to be me, and it caused you pain or humiliation, I’m so deeply sorry. I truly hope you can forgive me. I never wanted you to be hurt, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure it never happens again.

I don’t often talk about the things that have happened to me in the past. It’s not because I’m ashamed or don’t want people to know. I’ve simply reached a place where I want to focus on moving forward. But I sense God leading me to share a few things with you.

When I misbehaved, the threat was sometimes that my head would be shaved. But it got to the point where I wanted to shave it myself, because at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of having my hair pulled or being dragged by it. My hair ended up so damaged that when I went to a hairdresser in Alaska, she thought I’d had cancer. She was so kind and helped me start growing it out again.

I had to keep my camera off for work most of the time (sometimes even for weeks) because I didn’t want my coworkers to see the bruises I couldn’t hide with makeup. Or I didn’t want them to see the emotional toll after being verbally or physically hurt right before a meeting.

All of my communication was monitored, and any messages I sent had to be approved first. If I said too much or gave the wrong impression, I’d be beaten. We had a weekly design team meeting where everyone shared personal things to get to know each other, but I always felt so awkward and uncomfortable because I knew he didn’t want me to share anything personal. I never knew what to say. And if I accidentally mentioned something I knew he wouldn’t approve of, I would just pray he wouldn’t notice or ask to listen to the recording.

I’m really ashamed of the way I allowed him to treat my coworkers through my emails and Slack messages, especially during my pregnancy and around the time of my maternity leave. It created so much confusion and unnecessary conflict, and I still regret that.

I told him so many times that I couldn’t keep up with everything, but leaving my job wasn’t an option. When they finally let me go, I was honestly relieved. I had a two-week-old baby, our dog had just passed away, and it was the end of the semester, so I was trying to keep up with papers, projects, and tests. I just couldn’t do it all anymore. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and I knew they deserved someone who was in a better place to be a good teammate.

Thinking about all of this reminded me of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and the six pillars of lifestyle medicine that I learned about while studying for one of his Harvard Extension School courses. It made me realize how difficult it is to thrive or even think clearly when your basic needs for safety, rest, and stability aren’t being met. Those concepts feel a lot more real now that I’ve actually been through a season of just trying to survive.

I could go on and on about my side of the story and how things might not be what they seem, but I’m just so tired of it all. I’m exhausted of feeling like I’m not enough or that I have to keep proving my worth. And as much as I love you, I can’t keep doing that anymore. It just leaves me feeling empty and unwanted, like I’ll never be enough.

I was drinking coffee out of a mug from Nepal today. (Sadly, not my favorite. That one’s still at our house in Nashville, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see it again.) But as I held this one, it reminded me of The Last Resort. There comes a time when you just have to trust and take the leap.

I understand if my story or my past feels like too much. I really do. But I can’t keep doing this anymore. At this point, I think you know enough to decide if you want to be with me or not. I want to be with someone who chooses me freely and wholeheartedly. And if you’re still unsure, then I don’t think this is right, and I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I want to be someone’s first choice without hesitation, and I’m willing to wait for that. And from where I stand, it seems like it’s time for me to move on.

No matter what happens, I’m truly grateful for all the love and support you’ve given me through this season. I’ll never forget how God used you to help me break free. Your obedience saved my life and gave my boys a new beginning. And you’ll always have a special place in my heart because of that.

I started writing a letter a couple of months ago that I’ve been holding on to. I’ve been hesitant to share it because it includes some serious things, but I feel the Lord prompting me that now is the right time. I’m planning to make a few final edits and share it soon, as He leads.

I’m also exploring some other creative projects and might pause my writing for a bit. I’m asking the Lord for direction and trying to take each day as it comes. He’s been reminding me to listen for His voice and trust His timing in everything.

Praying that God gives you all the desires of your heart and blesses you abundantly — you, your family, and everything He has planned for your life.

All my love, Jeanie

Love,

This past weekend was farm tour weekend, so a bunch of local farms opened up for the community to visit and learn about what they do. As a farm girl at heart, it was such an exciting weekend, and it filled me with so much joy and peace.

On Friday, my mom took the boys to see a few farms, and on Saturday we all went to another one together. We got there a little ahead of schedule, so we pulled into the small cemetery next door and waited for a few minutes before driving over to the farm.

The farm we visited that day is part of the community-grown food network. It was so beautiful, and I just loved everything about the idea behind it. I took some photos for you to see. My dad asked if I’d volunteer with him there next season, and I’m really looking forward to it.

One of the farms my mom took the boys to on Friday is known for its goats. She sent me the cutest videos of the boys playing with them. They even brought home some goat milk ice cream. I’m not a big fan of goat’s milk, but I gave it a try. It wasn’t bad, just had that distinctive goat flavor I’m still not used to. For some reason, it made me think of a photo my parents recently put up on one of their new bookshelves. It’s an old picture of me with a milk mustache, and it always reminds me of that Got Milk? campaign.

This morning while I was making coffee, the song Communication by Béla Fleck and the Flecktones came to mind. Honestly, I don’t always know who to trust anymore. So much has happened, and while I want to see the good in people, it’s hard when I’ve been hurt by those I thought were friends. And though I’ve forgiven everyone, I also feel the Lord reminding me that wisdom means setting healthy boundaries too. I need to learn how to love people but not lose myself in the process.

As much as I talk about being fearless, I still have my own struggles, and I need your help. Actions will always speak louder than words. You know where to find me. So if you truly believe you’re meant to be here, then come and show me. It’s okay if we don’t have all the answers right now. We can figure things out together, one step at a time…I started singing that Jordin Sparks song when I wrote that lol. But please understand that I will only make room in my life for a righteous man who honors law and order and seeks God with his whole heart. If that’s not who you are, please don’t waste your time or mine.

When we flew here, one of our bags got lost. And I gave my number to the airline staff so they could reach me if they found it. Thankfully they did, and they shipped it here a few days later. Praise God for that! But somehow, my number ended up in their system, and now I get calls day and night from people who think I work for Alaska Airlines. I’m still trying to get that sorted out, so for now I’ve been ignoring or declining any calls from numbers I don’t recognize or calls I’m not expecting.

I haven’t really been keeping up with the government shutdown situation, but my sister has been sending us updates since she works over there. It sounds like such a difficult situation for so many people. She mentioned recently that she’s looking forward to the day she can retire and move here too. I can’t wait either because having her here with us would be such a blessing.

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I was reminded today that ignorance isn’t malice, even though the enemy loves to twist it to look that way. Scripture says God’s people perish for lack of knowledge, and I can see that. I understand the complexities of this situation. There’s been so much confusion on both sides and the attacks coming from every direction. Please know that I hold nothing against you, and I pray we don’t let any of this stand in the way of the blessings God has for us.

This afternoon we watched The Three Billy Goats Gruff. I also came across something connected to American Horror Stories. I’ve never seen it and don’t really know much about it, but it feels like God might be highlighting it for a reason. Emma by Jane Austen also came to mind, and kind of random but that pink character Kirby too. Would you please pray and see if the Lord gives you any insight about these?

We went for a walk with my mom this morning, and she was telling me about a couple in the neighborhood who help with a golden retriever rescue organization in Portland. They’ve been working with a dog who has some behavioral challenges, and they’re hoping that after some time and training, he’ll be ready for a good home. My mom doesn’t know his full story, but it sounds like he may have been mistreated as a puppy and still struggles to trust people, especially men. It was really heartbreaking to hear, but I’m so thankful there are people patient and kind enough to help him heal.

The boys and I went to the beach to throw rocks before one of the parties this weekend. I was thinking of you and took a photo to share. I can’t wait for the day we can enjoy simple moments like that together.

Never forget the greatness that’s inside you, but always remember that I love you just as you are. No matter what happens, you’ll be in my heart. And until we are together, my heart will go on.

With love, Jeanie

Love,

I hope you are doing well! I’m feeling a bit tired and a little unfocused right now. My thoughts are all over the place, and I keep finding ways to distract myself instead of focusing. Story of my life...but okay, let’s do this.

So back in high school, when I would meet with Coach Bridges between sets, if I wasn’t doing so well, he’d always say: Now starts the greatest upset of all time. LOL. But it was his way of encouraging me not to give up. I was thinking about that the other day, and it reminded me of how God often works in our lives. Sometimes it looks like the enemy is winning, but just when all hope seems lost, He swoops in and turns everything around with a miracle.

This weekend we were invited to two birthday parties for kids from school, so it’s been a couple of days full of fun and celebration. And way too much sugar!

I’m so grateful we were able to get a scholarship to send our oldest to the Christian school here. He absolutely loves his kindergarten teacher and classmates, and he’s excited to go every single day. His teacher’s daughter actually works with my dad, so it feels like such a close-knit community. My dad often helps with school drop-off and pick-up since it’s right by his office, which has been a huge help.

We were a little early for school pickup one day last week, so we stopped by my dad’s office to say hi. While we were chatting, he mentioned that one of his friends helped fund the Christian school and had sent all of his own kids there. I’ve been thinking about writing him a note to thank him, because the school is such a blessing. We’re so grateful for his generosity and the way his investment continues to make a difference. It’s truly a wonderful school, and I love their heart and approach to learning.

This afternoon during nap time, I managed to squeeze in a quick workout. As I was doing planks and push-ups, I found myself thinking back to rugby practice. I played flanker (either 6 or 7), and thankfully was able to play one full season after my injury. Coach Matt was a great mentor and really supportive through it all.

When I played I always noticed a kind of unspoken connection between the loose forwards. It’s a kind of trust that doesn’t need words. You can just feel it. Over time you learn to sense when to push forward, when to hang back and support, and when to cover your teammate. And when that connection is strong, there is this natural balance between attack and defense that just keeps everything flowing.

My mom and I were talking a couple of days ago, and she mentioned that people at church have been asking her to join a committee, and they also asked my dad if he would consider becoming an elder. But she said that (at least for now) they both feel God is calling them to invest more of their time and energy on their grandkids and not take on any new commitments. My mom still sees clients for counseling and also serves on the HOA board, so she has a lot on her plate already.

At church I’ve been spending time in the nursery with our youngest, but thankfully they stream the service in there, so I can still listen and follow along. I remember the first weekend, I was a little distracted and only half paying attention when suddenly I heard my mom’s voice reading the Scripture. It completely caught me off guard since she hadn’t mentioned she’d be doing that! It turns out Brian asked her at the last minute to fill in. While I was in the nursery, I also had the chance to chat with Brian’s wife and hear a bit of their story. They seem like such a lovely couple, and I know my parents are really grateful for the church community.

The other day I was sorting through some things and found my piano sheet music from high school. I was flipping through the book and came across all these dinosaur stickers that Mrs. Anderson put on one of the songs I performed at my senior recital. Seeing them again made me smile and think back on all the wonderful memories I have with her. I took lessons from the time I was six, so she was such a big part of my childhood. (The first part is crossed out because we got creative and ended up combining it with my favorite song — Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing).

Speaking of dinosaurs, the boys and I read How Do Dinosaurs Stay Safe?, and I took a picture of one of the pages because it was just too cute not to share.

It’s getting late here and I should get some rest. But before I do, I just want to remind you that you are exactly who God chose for what He’s calling you to do. And I’m praying He gives you the strength, peace, and wisdom you need for everything that’s ahead.

With love, Jeanie